Day 1

I have realized that I am sinking in to the depths of depression. I have been there before and it was the most miserable time of my life. It isn’t something I want to experience now or every again. However, it seems to have snuck up on my and now all I can do it minimize the effect it has on my life.

I have taken several screening tests from medical university websites and even from American psychological organizations. All of them gave me the same result – I am suffering from severe depression and anxiety. Had I not been through this before, I would never have thought to test myself for the disease. However, I have caught onto it early this time and want to nip it in the bud.

I thought I had pretty much said good bye, au revoir, sayonara, and go to hell to my depression. I haven’t felt truly depressed for about two years. But sometime in the past two months, the vicious parasite has resurfaced to rob me of my joy and happiness. I have lost all enjoyment in life. The only relief I have is when I’m with my significant other or with my pets. It has now gotten to the point that even these activities are rendering me uninterested, bored, empty, disappointed and, in general, negative and depressed. 

As a child, I always escaped reality to attain happiness, whether it was in books or making up stories and day dreaming. Even then, I couldn’t accept my family. Writing was a therapy instead of an art medium for me at one point, and I am turning to it again so that I can get past much of what is ailing me. 

I am head over heels in love with the man I have been dating for two years. My parents don’t know about him and are just now starting to suspect that there is someone in my life. I couldn’t tell them because they would never accept him for various reasons, such as difference in religion and race. I don’t care – I love him as he is. However, he seems to be just fine with or without me. The few times I have brought this up, he has been aghast at the thought that I think he doesn’t care about me. He is sweet and caring, but he is also so self-sufficient that it gives me the impression that I am not needed and barely wanted. It is hurtful and embarrassing. I feel like a loser and a pathetic woman for pining after the man I love, who returns those feelings and has stuck with me through a lot of a rough spots. Even I don’t understand my feelings. I am jealous and possessive, so I have been working on not being either of those. I am so easily irritated and irrational when it comes to him that it annoys me. Over the past year I have really toned it down and am proud of myself for doing so. However, i still feel like a failure deep inside because he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. You see, I was an idiot and actually proposed to the man – twice. Not only that, I begged him to change religions so that we could be together. He refused. And still I couldn’t let him go. I am a fool and an idiot and I know it and don’t care. I just love being with him that much. It does bother me that I am not good enough for him o marry me, at least in his eyes. It does hurt that the person I love more than anyone else, including my family, doesn’t love me all that much.

It hurts even more that even my parents can’t stand me, and cannot accept who I am. I am just never going to be daughter they envisioned or the woman they wanted me to be. I am always just going to be me. I wish I had qualities that made me valuable, but my life thus far has left nothing but quiet destruction and pain in its wake, both mine and those who were foolish enough to want me in their lives. It has now reached a point where breathing hurts and I have to write things out, even though I am at work and could be fired for not paying attention to my job.

I used to have friends, or people I thought were my friends. But they have all abandoned me to some degree. I doubt they remember I exist. I am tired of having to remind them. So now, I just do what I can to entertain myself alone, or I turn to my boyfriend. But he can only do so much. He, too, has a life to live and people he loves. I am glad he loves me a little bit too.

I want to make a difference in this world so much that it hurts. I want it so bad that I keep going, even when I want to just lay down and die. I really do wish I had never come into existence, but now that I am here, I figure I might as well do something to relieve the world of the burden it carries, I wish I could ease the pain of others just a little, bring a little joy to them, and a little relief. I want to find cures to diseases so people don’t have to suffer from them anymore. At my core, I like to make others happy.

I constantly feel anxious and am uneasy. I am never happy or content. I wish I was worth everything to someone, and it hurts to know I’m not and never will be.

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