Day 4

Another day begins and brings with it fresh winds of relief intermingled with grains of despair. As always, I wonder why I am here. What is my purpose in creation and in the grand scheme of life? What kind of cog am I in the machine known as the universe? What am I here for?

Religion would tell me it is to live as God wills and to live well and piously, worshipping Him. Science would tell me there is no real purpose. I am simply the result of the human urge to reproduce and am just another of millions. I think that both views are correct but missing something more defining for me. Not to be arrogant, but everything has a purpose, so I must too. I just wonder what mine is.

In the darkest times, I wonder if I am the one creation that has no purpose, made up from a bit of excess energy and molded together absentmindedly. I wonder if my existence is a mistake, or if the choices that have lead me to become who I am were all mistakes. I wonder why I have been given so much and can make so little out of it, whereas many have much less and have done so much more with their lives. I wonder why I am not good enough to excel at anything, just better than mediocre. I can never achieve the heights I long for, no matter how hard I happen to try. 

And yet, I am blessed with individuals who value me. I have to do my best to remember that part of my life more. Regardless of how little worth i see in myself, my few friends and family actually value me greatly. I am truly blessed with them. It is thanks to them I can keep going every day.

My driving force has always been the desire to make a difference in the world. I want so very badly to leave behind amazing footprints in the sand. I want to become someone that is valued not just by a few, but by history and humanity. I don’t know how I am going to accomplish that, but it is who I yearn to be. And it isn’t just for that acknowledgement of existence, but for the actual accomplishing of a significant act. I want to help people in a big way, I just don’t possess the brilliance to do so. As a result, I am always at war with myself.

And the crux of it all is, I feel so betrayed by so many I have loved in so many ways that I no longer like human-kind in general. And yet, I still want to ease the suffering of the masses and the annihilate the unspeakable evil that dwells so freely in every nook and cranny of this world. The stories of heinous crimes haunt me every day. I wonder, every time, why it wasn’t prevented, why people would do something so horrifying in the first place, why someone had to suffer such a tragedy, and why those left behind would have to deal with it.

And so I count my blessings yet again. Even if most of the people I care for infuriate and hurt me, that is normal. I have to accept that they have shortcomings, and so do I. I don’t know why I forget one half of that deal on many occasions. If I could constantly remember that, then I could at least minimize my disappointment in myself or other people. It would keep me feeling less anxious, more stable, and a little happier. 

I hate that my happiness is often the cause of some sort of grief for others in my life. I hate that my parents can’t accept me and my decisions. They always want to mold me to fit in their picture of the world. When I refuse to conform any longer, they act like I have never valued them or their input and that I choose to hurt them rather than do what they say. I can’t help how they view the situation, but I know I can no longer let them control me. I am myself, my own person, and I plan to live that way my whole life. I am just sorry it causes them pain.

Yesterday was a good day. Today has been okay. I am hoping for a good night and a better tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe the monsters within will rest, and I will be happy. 🙂

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