I have come to the realization that I am at least 3 different people in 3 different places and times of the day. One of me is the Professional at work or in school. The second me is the Daughter, who I force myself to be at home. The third is the Real Me, the one I like the most, the one I can only truly be when I am with the man who made me realize who I wanted to become. Being with him made me into a much better person than I once was and gave me a perspective on life I couldn’t even imagine without him in my life.
It is hard to reconcile the three aspects of myself. To try and incorporate the Real Me into the Daughter’s personality is far more difficult than I thought it would be. It is actually easier to combine my real self with my Professional personality. Perhaps, this is because I can be myself more freely with colleagues than my judgmental parents.
I have been fighting a war within myself for a decade. Trying to become who my parents wanted me to be was my motivation in life for a long time. But I was never able to become their ideal daughter. What they want from me and who I was born to be were too different. I am basically the opposite of the daughter they wanted. As a result, to preserve my life and my will to live, I began to live a double life.
I hated every second of it. Duplicity and lies are things I really hate. Yet, I became a master of deception in my own home. And I despised having to lie. It took my leaving home in a drastic manner to bring my parents off their high horses and realize that they could either have me in their lives with a little compeomise and tolerance of my life choices, or they could lose a daughter. I am grateful they love me enough to want me in their lives, even if they can never accept me for who I am – I just don’t fit their mould.
Showing the world only glimpses of myself was the only way I could survive in a hostile environment otherwise known as my family home. Self-preservation was the primary goal of my teenage years wherein I was targeted in various manners by several people. It took a long time for me to escape that mode of living and beging to live instead of just surviving. I truly feel like a soldier that has just started to leave a war behind – I have finally gained a little freedom from my own shackles, albeit at a high cost.
Depression, anxiety and possible PTSD are the payment for my self-preservation. Life is good to me. I have a good job for the time being, good prospective futures both careerwise and relationship-wise, a family that cares for me even if we can never see eye to eye, and a few good old and new friends. I am healthy and young. Life is good. God has blessed me. I am grateful. And so I will keep fighting everything dark within and continue to strive for a light to conquer my darkness. Today is better than yesterday. I pray tomorrow will be better than today.