Being productive at work is a great way to keep myself from going into the darkest corners of my mind. There are places inside I don’t want to go back to, memories better left untouched and forgotten. So I am effectively using work to distract myself.
Distraction is proving to be a great way out of stress and tension that leads to my depression state. Movies, shows, books, people, music, shopping, food – I had forgotten how much I loved those things. With the exception of people, I am remembering why and learning to love them all over again. There is too much beauty in the world for me to squander my time focusing on the very real ugliness. Most of that ugliness comes from the human specie, regardless of race, sex, age, ethnicity or religion.
Just as a child’s bright joyous smile is the most beautiful thing in creation, so the dregs of human society are the ugliest and most vile existance. I cannot be blind to either and must respect the place of both – there is no renewal without death and no death without life. And so long as I am breathing, I must strive to successfly Live and lead a fuller life than the one I lead now.
I hate that I can only live portions of it to my liking and that so much of it is still tainted by the negativity of thought my parents have relentlessly tried, and still attempt, to ingrain in me. For example, self-confidence is a sign of arrogance. The moment you say you did something well, they pounce on you with sayings of humility aimed at making you feel like less. Praise is beyond them. Overbearing is the only attitude they know how to adopt. It is frustrating beyond utterance.
In the end, the only thing that matters to me is being able to Live making a difference for as many people as possible while maintaining a joy-filled life. Every day I try hard to be a good person. I will keep trying. The struggle with myself continues as I discover more of me, and how I affect those around me. May tomorrow be a better day.