“Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.” (Tori Amos)
When I read this quote this morning, it really made me start to think. I am desperately afraid of seeing my real self, of knowing all the beauty I can only fail to create and all the horror that I can easily cause. My potential for cold righteousness is only rivaled by the evil I know exists within each of us. The exact evaluation of my personality would probably kill me – I would die from the shame and guilt. I am afraid to stand before God in my sinful state and be reprimanded for the wrongs I have committed, both knowingly and unknowingly. Our actions always have consequences. I have paid for many of my idiotic decisions, but I have a feeling that karma isn’t done with me yet.
Crawling into my wounds is easy, coming back out is the most difficult part of the process for me. I can’t heal because I get caught in the wounds. I have a really hard time starting the bleeding because I don’t have a sanctuary in which to take refuge from the pain. I have no place I can go and break down, no person who can take my breaking down. I am usually their rock in the hardest of times, and my breaking down is a tidal wave they cannot withstand. I need someone in my life who is strong enough to let me break down so that I can get back up and be strong again. That is another reason I seriously want to get therapy.
My boyfriend, for example, is actually a psychology major, but he can’t really be objective and impartial when it comes to me. It is hard to do that with anyone you are emotionally close to. He has tried very hard to be someone I can talk to, and I trust him with everything as a result. However, he can’t let me fall apart. He has to try and piece me back together because he can’t watch me be hurt. He is wonderfully sweet, but he isn’t what I need to get over my issues.
Sometimes, it really sucks to be more in love with him than he is with me. If I said that to him, he would vehemently deny any such thing and say he loves me just as much as I love him. But there is a lot of evidence to the contrary. I pine without him, he is just fine with or without me. His life is HIS, not Ours. My life is Ours, not mine. He is much more self-sufficient than I when it comes to being happy. He needs no one for that. I, on the other hand, derive happiness from those around me. Like a happy-leech. I am always the one to initiate romance…he never actively pursues me. I wonder if maybe I am just not worth it. I do cause him a lot of trouble, though he has never said that I have and has denied it when I apologized for bringing chaos into his life. He says he is better with me, happier. But the truth is, he is fine without me too. And it hurts to know that my need for him far exceeds any want he has for me. It is truly pathetic.
On another note, being alone can really bring things into perspective. I spend a lot of my life trying to blend into the background. Usually, I think that I do. But in reality, it’s quite the opposite. People notice me. They realize I exist. And so they make me believe I am Here in the Now. That may sound silly, but it is the most effective way for the message that I EXIST to penetrate my haze of nervous emotions. Today, when I went to get lunch by myself from a place near work, I was greeted by three people and taken care of by two very nice gentlemen. It was a novel experience. I hate going to eat by myself – it’s seriously awkward. And it was still awkward. But the wait staff made me feel noticed and valued. Even if that is just their job, I didn’t care – I felt a little less forgotten and a little more valued. It was enough to get me through what was going to be a very lonely lunch.
In addition to it all, I have discovered that the one thing that can make me relax against my own volition is instrumental music, symphonic to be exact. Or amazing soundtracks like those written by Hans Zimmer and Clin Mansell and Two Steps from Hell. It brings harmony to my stressed out brain and physically relaxes me. Some people have meditation and yoga. I have music.
I hope that the rest of the day follows suit in allowing me to regain a little more hard-won peace. May tomorrow be a better day.