To say that I can’t have an entire 24 hours of happiness is no exaggeration on my part. In fact, I’m lucky to have a few hours a day, if that. At one point in life, I took a bubble of happiness for granted. Depression and the harsh realities of life have taught me how very valuable and precious such a constant state of peace and happiness can be.
Last night was wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I spent time relaxing and having fun with my boyfriend. There were no stressors, no distractions – we were happy together. In fact, I was giggling in a way I hadn’t in many months. We were playing around, joking, being silly. I was actually doing silly antics to make him laugh (this is total rarity). It was a beautiful few hours. One of the best dates ever.
Then I went home to an angry father, a mom who doesn’t want to talk to me, and a sister who is scared to associate with me because of how my parents would react to her if she were to be lumped together with me. In essence, I was ostracized for going out at night and having fun. I wasn’t even out late – I am always back home before 10 pm. I’m no teenager – I’m 25 years old. But it was as if I had killed someone. I hate going home. I hate living there. I hate being treated like fungus or the chewing gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
Suffice it to say, this drama nearly ruined the night for me. But I didn’t let it, for once. I had a happy night, and watched an episode of Fringe (LOVE THAT SHOW) and got a better sleep than I have in a very long time.
This morning, my mother didn’t want to talk to me – but she made me lunch anyways. So our dysfunctional family is still dysfunctional, and I still have a family, kind of. We will never be a perfect, happy family. I just have to realize this with my heart as I have with my head. It is harder to accept than it should be.
On that note, I survived again. I won another battle against their silent and physical ostracizing. I am a little bit less happy than I would have been if they had been more accepting. Or a lot less happy. But I am still happy. I have memories no none can take from me. I got to be young for a few hours, with someone that totally accepts who I am. I got to be free. It was exhilarating and wonderful. I am grateful. Now to go Skydiving!
Can’t wait to cross that off my bucket list!
(even if it is the last thing I do). May tomorrow be a better day :).