Day 16

In the past few days, both through writing here and reading completely unrelated fantasy novels, I have somehow come to realize my need for closure. I have come across wounds I didn’t know I had and realized I need closure for me to completely heal from them. I thought I was over the hurt caused by events throughout my life. Apparently, I’m not quite over it. In particular, there is this one person whose actions continue to hurt me, thought I now understand them. It actually hurts more to understand. Betrayal is always brutal because only those you trust can betray you.

I guess I”ll begin seeking closure by writing about it here. I’m not beautiful in any conventional sense. I used to be a skinny little thing, now I’m overweight. I used to be shy and sweet…now, not so much. I’m mostly confident and blunt. In fact, I’m even outspoken and obnoxious occasionally. And for various reasons, I’ve never been the most attractive person to be around. As a result, I’ve liked many guys and been either ignored or turned down by many men. The first few I liked as a pre-teen didn’t give me the time of day. The first guy I liked for a really long time (5 years) as a teen treated me like I was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe – he openly ridiculed me for having feelings for him, made me feel like a mystery fungus and basically acted like I didn’t exist for as long as he could. I fail to recall what about him was attractive to me. I’m just glad I Finally got over him when I graduated high school. 

Then came my first boyfriend – the first guy I told I liked and who, Hallelujah, liked me back. It was so heady, so unreal…someone loved Me! Except for a few things – he was 9 years older, he wasn’t really in love with me and he used me. Until my parents found out and banned me from seeing the jerk, that is. I was still a foolish little idiot and was unwilling to let go. He had me emotionally isolated and hating my family at one point. In retrospect, he was excellent at emotional manipulation. When confronted, he then proceeded to tell my mother he was never interested in me to begin with, he just went along with it because I pursued him. I was completely unaware of this until just a couple months ago. It has been six years since I dumped him. I’m glad I finally wised up enough to do so.

The next betrayal came from boyfriend number two. He was an oasis in a parched desert for me. He was beautiful, artistic, open-minded, crazy and adventurous. Also, a little scarred and a little inexperienced. I liked everything about him. And I foolishly believed he reciprocated my feelings. I feel head over heels in love, even when my instincts screamed that he didn’t really feel the same way. I ignored them. And clung onto him. And then found out he had been making out with his engaged best friend on the side and never really loved me (surprise, surprise). In retrospect, he was just using me to make his best friend jealous so she would cheat on her fiancée with him. I don’t know what happened in the end. I was too busy being too heartbroken to get out of bed in the morning for at least 2 months. It was hellishly painful. This was around 4 years ago now. I am just now starting to come to terms with it. Which is funny considering that we only dated a little over a month. But that month a whole lot of difference to me. It was magical and horrible all at once. I am only now able to bring myself to go to the places I once went to with him – just goes to show you how one partner can be far more invested than the other.

Happily, I eventually moved on from being betrayed to trying to gain love.

Number three was thankfully a little better – he didn’t betray me or lie to me, he just neglected me. I learned that I need a lot more affection than most men would want to give a girl like me. So I broke it off with him too. Number four went so far as to claim he had never actually asked me out, after 2 months of constantly sweet-talking me and making me spend time with him. So yes, I lost faith in men. Then there were my three best friends – all of whom asked me out and couldn’t take it when I said no. So I lost great friends and all faith in men. I wasn’t in a happy place. I had no light in my life. 

Then, I ‘met’ my current boyfriend of two years. He is probably one of the best things to ever happen to me. And he is the reason I can begin to heal now. He has been true to me. We have had our ups and downs and great days and bad days and days of indifference. But in the end, we just gravitate to one another. He thinks I’m great, I think he’s amazing. We’re lucky. And we’re grateful to have each other in our lives. Finally, I can begin to get some closure and begin to heal from all the wounds others have inflicted on me. 

Hopefully, I will heal a little more today. May tomorrow be a better day.

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