Day 45

This has been quite a long gap, mostly because I just didn’t know what to say.

Ramadan started….means no more hanging out with friends, going out at night or generally doing anything fun that doesn’t involve reading or watching TV in bed. Oh, and also I’ve been quite sick lately, which doesn’t help when you can’t eat or get sick. I even missed work because of this sudden bout of digestive issues. Not fun.

Also depressed that my boyfriend is taking less and less of an interest in me. I guess I’m just old news to him. I don’t excite him, or interest him, or pique his curiosity. I”m just me. It was bound to happen some time. I guess it just hurts that he no longer centers most of his attention on me. I’m just second place…always. I should be used to that by now, right? I’ve never been first place in anyone’s life for anything. Never had a real best friend. Even my parents centered more of their affections around my little sister, who totally deserves it – she’s incredible and adorable, two things I will never be. I love her too. She’s wonderful. 

So I just wanted one person to love me more than anything, all on his own. Someone that would share his life with me and would enjoy it. And would want me to smile and make me happy. Sounds unreal and utterly selfish. I know. But I can’t help what my heart wants. And in return, I wanted to do all of that for him. But I was being stupid as usual. Things like that just don’t happen to people like me. Not because I don’t try, just because I forget my limits. I”m just a regular girl who is getting old. I’m totally unaccomplished and not very physically attractive. I’m surprised anyone agreed to date me at all.

I need to be more realistic. I’m a liability and a let down. And I need to get over myself and stop expecting anything from anyone. I’m not worth the investment.

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