Day 46

The past two years of my life I ha invested in someone. And I though he invested in me. He says he loves me. I know I love him more than breath itself. I have been through a lot and come a long way since he came into my life. He made me a better person. But apparently, I haven’t been good enough for him. I am just not worth it for him. He is living in the moment and happy with things as they are and doesn’t want to change anything. I am tired of hanging by a thread and knowing he doesn’t feel as seriously about our relationship as I do and hurting. As a result I lash out and hurt him. He deserves better than that. I deserve someone who will love me enough to want me for life. And will not be too pressured because I want what I want. Is it that unreal of me to expect that he know if he is serious about me or not after two years of a great relationship? One that involves our families and friends. One that involves us going places together, experiencing things together, finding ourselves and realizing we are better together, and one that everyone thinks is an amazing relationship?

I must be stupid and unreal and lost in a day dream or something, because apparently he doesn’t know. He never even Thought about it. I mentioned and hinted and Told him repeatedly, but I guess I didn’t do it well. It never even occurred to him to figure out if he wants to be with me ten, twenty, fifty years down the road or not. We aren’t children. I’m almost 26, he’s almost 27. We’re both educated and trying to further our education now. So is it so unreal that I want to know if I am investing my time, energy and feelings in to a man that doesn’t even really want me? I feel like the most epic, pathetic failure of a woman there is possible. 

And now he wants time and space. He won’t even text me, I know. I feel so empty, so bereft. I don’t deserve to be so dead inside again. I just don’t.

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