As a child, did you ever have the bright idea of trying to balance on a seesaw with no support and no backing? And you just totter towards whatever direction keeps you standing without a thought for the consequences? Well that is where I am now.
Sometimes it seems as though I can fly and soar to new hieghts that I previously couldn’t even imagine. Other times, it seems as though I can only sink into a black hole of despair and never see the light of hope again. I’m trying so hard to be better than that. But my balance is becoming harder and harder to keep.
One moment I am happy with myself and with the world and going strong. Next minute, I’m sick, feeling like crap and wanting to punch the living daylights out of the man I call father. If any of you have fathers you want dead, you know what I mean.
And then there is the relationship that seems salvaged but really, I’m just waiting to see when I will completely destroy it. Self fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. But also experience. My baggage is no easy load to deal with. And I’m just no good at lying to my significant other.
Going back to my father, I truly hate him. If he dies by my hand and I go to Hell, I will deserve it and take the punishment. But he needs to get out of our lives. I put up with him for my mother.
On another note, I am giving up a job I truly enjoy and it is hurting me to do so. I am also looking forward to and terrified of the looming monster called Grad School. I have no clue what to do. It feels like everything is falling apart as it always does. Time for a new chapter in my life. So this one has to end.