Since my last post, a Lot has changed. I couldn’t bring myself to write about anything because I was just too…in shock? Disillusioned? Or maybe just relieved and unable to comprehend that I had dodged a bullet. And then began the crazy circus of life known as Grad school.
I was so angry and broken apart the last time I wrote here. I was afraid I would lose the man I love, and lose the love of a lifetime. Somehow, we worked through it and made it through. He and I both compromised, he grew, I grew. We are stronger together for it.
Then I had to quit a job I actually liked so I could go back to school for a PhD in Chemistry. This entailed a lot of confusion for me, and a lot of nights spent worrying about what the future held. After hellish ‘diagnostic’ exams and a meeting with the Chair of the Department, I was granted access to the Organic chemistry PhD program. And then it’s been nothing but class, driving, teaching, trying to scrounge a few hours to be a normal person, and trying to fit friends, family and lover into the two or three hours a week I have left. It is INSANE. It is truly a survival of the fittest. Even a friend is no true friend – they are just colleagues who are competition. There is no true camaraderie – just a realization that we won’t make it through alone.
My brain hurts from all the new neuronal pathways it must have created in just 5 days. Intense doesn’t even begin to cover it.
I’m frustrated but fulfilled, dissatisfied but happy, afraid but progressing, crazed but infinitely at peace. It is this feeling Paulo Coelho often writes about when a person pursues their dreams. I guess I must be on the right track, at least for the moment.
I’m blessed with good friends, good family and the best man ever. May God always grant me these blessings and the strength to keep moving forward and achieve my personal standard of success. Amen.