There are certain things I forget over time, only to be rudely awakened by them again. I forget I’m not needed, I forget I’m not really wanted, and I forget how useless my existence is. I forget and over-step my bounds. I forget that I’m being a nuisance and shouldn’t push it. I forget that he wouldn’t really want me around…he only puts up with me out of kindness and boredom. He doesn’t need or want me. He just has fun with me once or twice a week. And that’s his limit – a few hours a week and he can’t stand any more. I’m not his place to relax, I’m not his home. Just because I think of him as my sanctuary doesn’t mean he ever thought me as his.
There are certain truths I should never forget. I am alone, and always will be. I am nothing and no one. And there is no one who will ever want me with them all the time. It’s a miracle that I have a relationship at all. I forget that sometimes. I get ahead of myself, think he’s actually serious, that he really means it when he says he loves me…I forget.
I can’t let myself forget facts anymore. I keep getting hurt and breaking down and embarrassing him and myself. Just because I want to be with him doesn’t mean he reciprocates those feelings. I am just a bother and a nuisance. I need to learn to leave him alone and let him be happy instead of being selfish and asking him to be with me when he is just tired of me. It hurts, but I have to accept it and live with it. I’m surprised he wants to be around me even a few hours a week.
I have decided. I won’t become more involved with him. I am done with the pain. I will be happy when he has time for me, and I won’t pressure him to be with me anymore. He doesn’t want me around and I won’t ever force my company on him. I know I’m not interesting and just a downer a lot. He needs a break from me. So I am going to give him one. I will only respond when he has something to say. I will only be with him when he asks me to, after making sure he isn’t just asking because he feels as though he should. No more of this hope/dreaming that he wants me around. No more thinking that this is going anywhere. I’ll just do what I should’ve always done – taken it day by day and lived in the present. There is no future…there never was one.
No more forgetting.