For the past month, I have cried almost every day. Sometimes it’s because I’m failing all my classes in grad school. Sometimes because I’m an inadequate teacher. Sometimes because I’m a sucky daughter and an absentee sister. But mostly because I feel unattractive, undesirable, unneeded and sometimes unwanted. Being an unneccessary existence sucks. Being a bothersome existence is even worse. And that is what I’ve become for the person I love most.
I think I’ve lost all confidence in myself. I have no money, no brains, no looks. I can’t even interest the man who used to desire me greatly. I have lost everything that used to attract others to me. I have no spark left. I spend so much time crying and just being depressed that I can’t function. I’m not even capable of anger anymore. Apathy has claimed every emotion except love and self-hate. I’ve given up on myself.
I keep wishing I was more beautiful, more intelligent, more charming. I keep hating that I never will be. I just get uglier and uglier, both inside and out. I never look nice no matter how hard I try. And lately, I can’t even make others smile. I really wish I had never been born. I wish someone would say they need me, that I was irreplaceable, that I had some redeing qualities. Unfortunately, I have nothing more commendable than being a waste of space.
Being so useless that i can’t even stop crying because I didn’t get exactly what I want is so pathetic I just want to do the world a favor and end it all already. Maybe death is the only way to make this end. If it weren’t for the people in my life, who for some reason don’t hate what or who I am, I really would end it now.
Even the man I love is tired because I’m such a loser that I can’t handle my own life. I don’t even turn him on anymore – I’m That problematic. Why he even stays with me is a mystery I can’t resolve.
I know he loves me, I just wish he wanted me. I just wish someone did.