I have depression. It’s like an amazingly persistent, unforgiving, chronic flu. I have bouts of depression. I go through the day never knowing exactly When it will get me. Some blessed days it never does. And then others the fist of this horrid foe slams into me with the force of a hammer, crushing me to bits and pieces, leaving me to scour my mind for the bits I can’t seem to remember but know are missing.
I had a bout of depression a few weeks ago that almost made me drive my car into a wall. But I thought about how much it would cost to repair it (the wall) and I stopped. Isn’t it hilarious that the wall costs more to me than my own life? That is how I have been surviving – it isn’t that I value myself more, it’s just that I don’t want to be any trouble when I die. Whoever discovers my body would be in for a nasty surprise if, for example, I slit my wrists in the tub. That’s not something my family needs to remember when they think of me.
We don’t live for ourselves, not really. We are Alive only when we are doing things that not only bring us closer to our dreams but bring those we cherish happiness too. And so I live – for the sake of my loved ones.
I live so as not to be a burden to them in death. I live so as to not be troublesome for strangers. I live so that no one will mock my parents for failing their child. I live. But I die a little every day. And some days I die a lot. i beg for release from a life I am failing.
Have you every had an amazing day followed by a night from hell? That is at least a bi-weekly event for me. I failed in my career and have no prospects for the future. The love of my life is so far ahead of me I can’t even see his back in the distance anymore. And there is no proposal on the horizon. Not surprising – I’m a bum, who would want that? I’m a mismatch for him in almost every way. My family is also screwed up. And I most definitely have too many issues to count. But somehow, we work. And that is my saving grace. That is what makes me get up in the morning – because I know he exists.
Drought reigns in the land of plenty
Carried in on gold wings of despair
A scourge,brews in peaceful streams
Depression lays the land bare
Scorching hate burns away love
Joy and peace disappear with care
No life, no breath remains
Not a petal, not a leaf – Nothing is spared.