There is so much to be learned even in the midst of sorrow. Pain is in itself a harsh but efficient teacher. Sorrow and pain leave behind lessons unforgettable along with the unfading scars of time and of battles won and lost.
Some pains never cease. These are the pains that comprise one’s personal hell customized to fit you perfectly. They are the gnawing insecurities, the feelings of abandonment and loneliness, of knowing your inner demons will never really rest. You can forget for a little while, but no matter how hard or far you run, they are there to catch you.
Just recently I learned yet another of my friends was proposed to by a boyfriend she hasn’t been with for more than 6 months. This threw me into a tizzy. A lot of my girlfriends are engaged and married, but none were with with their boyfriends as long as I have been And now my girlfriend is practically engaged already. While my boyfriend shows zero signs of any kind of proposal, though he does want to get married eventually.
This kind of happy news should just make me elated on her behalf – and I really am happy for her. But at the same time, a part of me is angry and hurt and sad. I want to know what is wrong with me that my boyfriend doesn’t want to ask me to spend our lives together. I want to know what I can do to be good enough for someone, and for him in particular. I want to scream at the world that always slams the door shut in my face and kicks me while I’m down. I haven’t been able to succeed in anything at all. No matter what it is, I’m never good enough. I try my best, but I get nothing from that effort. Nothing at all. Professionally and personally I’m a failure, and I really cannot figure out why.
I really wish I could just die.