I am Mine

Have you ever felt so pressured by the people you love and care for that you couldn’t even take ownership of yourself anymore? They tell you what to do, who to talk to, what to say, and when to do anything and everything. They construct your life to their preferences and you are so bound by chains of love and fear of disobedience that you can’t ever say a thing – you simply see no other way than to do exactly as instructed? You are so afraid of doing the wrong thing, of hurting the people that you love that you don’t even stop to think about what it is you’re doing. You most definitely don’t consider what you want to do. You simply follow orders.

If you are anything like myself, however, that authority over your actions and that suffocation of your free will is simply unacceptable to you. You will do whatever it takes to get your life back. You will go as far as need be to be able to breathe without fear. You will break any chains that hold you down. You would do anything to fly free again.

You envy those out there in the sun, playing and living freely without any fear of their liberties being taken from them. They have no idea how good they have it. You want to live like them, doing what you like when you like without anyone judging how you live. And as you see that dream becoming more and more unlikely, you get more and more angry, and when you can’t even stay angry anymore, depression sets in.

Being a prisoner to your own family is probably one of the most painful ways to live. Being afraid to break out of that is something I am well acquainted with. I lived that way for more than a decade. And when I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I struck out on my own at the cost of causing an irreparable rift between me and my parents. I was so stifled that I was even willing to pay the price of losing my only parents. And I finally felt happy again.

But now I’m back at square one. I’m back to being a prisoner of those that love me and whom I love. I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. Being not good enough for anyone is hard enough, failing in my life in every way that counts is even harder, and being the black sheep of my family is the worst feeling ever. I guess the only worse fate for me is that they disown me completely and the person I love abandons me. Those are my greatest fears.

And the more I think about how I am going to be alone forever because no one can accept me as I am and accept my lifestyle choices too, the more I wish I had never existed and never been born. I just pray that, by some miracle, I can become a worthy human being that can receive both acceptance and love from the ones closest to me.

Most days, I wonder if God made me simply as an example of what not to be. Today, I’m wondering if God made me a warning to others of what happens if you chain and bind someone too close. My advice to any who may heed it: If you truly love someone, cherish them and let them breathe free. They will always come back to you. Don’t be afraid. Because you are your own, and they are their own. It is something we all need to remember. I am mine.

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