Many times, it so happens that the truth embarrasses me, especially when it concerns how I really feel or think about a certain situation. Some of those times it’s just ridiculous for me to feel that way, but there it is. Other times, it’s well-grounded and becomes almost impossible to voice. Hence, many times I lie. I don’t like being lied to at all. But sometimes, I lie and I don’t even feel bad about it.
For example, I was and still am very upset. But I can’t bring myself to admit it because I know it would be silly to feel this way in this situation. I don’t like how I feel. I don’t want to feel this way. My head tells me one thing and my heart is so full of fear that I am consumed by it. I simply cannot voice my true thoughts right now. So i Lie and say I am fine, when I am most certainly not fine at all. If anything, I’m terribly sad and confused and lost. I just want to run to somewhere I can be comfortable and be alone and free. I wish for that a lot more lately. Just being left alone to do what I want.
At the same time, I know I would come to hate that too. I’m an introverted extrovert, and as such like being around people and talking. Without that, I’d simply wilt away. Some people are their own sons, some shine like the moon. I’m a planet and I need a sun and a moon. I can’t function otherwise. I’m the most useless kind of existence, but I am greedy for love.
My heart is broken from all the lies people have told me, all the betrayals I have felt. And I still lie to the ones that love me. I wonder what kind of special Hell is reserved for those of my ilk. Right now, just living is a Hell on its own. No, I don’t have bombs falling on me, I’m not living in a state of famine, and I don’t have to worry about where I am going to sleep or eat. I am blessed in all those ways. But the indifference the world feels towards me is fearsome all on its own.
Nothing in my life is working out. But I cant stop hoping. And every day that goes by without an answer to my prayers makes me sink further into despair. I wish now that I didn’t exist. I wish I could just be erased and nothing would be left. I wish I had never lived.