Shell-shocked, wiped out, numb…

I’m sure many before me have been through situations similar to mine. I’m sure they all have had to go through pain that only they know, only they can bear. I’m sure I’m not the only person to be as broken as I am. But it doesn’t decrease my pain or make it any easier for me. All I can keep thinking is: I knew better, I should’ve known, how could I have been so Stupid, what is wrong with me, it would’ve been better if I was never born.

And the worst part is that I’m the only one who feels any pain. Everyone else is oblivious and wouldn’t care even if they knew. It is my own fault after all. I deserve nothing else. I only deserve what I have, and this is all I will ever have. The loss of futures that will now never be is a pain I cannot accept or comprehend yet. Never having a home of my own, never having children with a man I love, Never waking up next to the person that I love…Those things are lost for ever and I will never have any of that joy.

I knew better than to think I ever would have anything like that. My partner has never thought about me that way, never instigated anything serious on his own. Why did I think that he wanted someone like me? Why did I think it was perfect when it was far from anything perfect? I don’t know. Blinded by emotions I suppose. But I was a dumbass and still am. Why? Because despite it all, I still love him. I still hope for more. Why am I so useless and pathetic? I don’t know. I’m not one of those self-sufficient people who don’t need anyone else. He is. Why did I think he would ever want me in his life as much as I want him in mine? Why did I think I would be worth anything to him? I don’t know. I am so stupid.

All I know is…my dreams all died and now I have nothing left professionally or personally. I don’t even know how to function.

I guess there are only two paths left for me now: forward, or the end. I wish this cruel hope would desert me so I can truly grieve. I am so tired.

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