Walking on Shaky Legs

Something ended and something new has begun. But some of the old remains and is to be used to build upon. With shaky legs, I begin to stand, only to fall again and again. The support I sought is no longer there. I am falling but trying not to despair. To hope I continue to cling no matter what tidings the tides bring. A cycle has ended, another begun. Now I can not escape even if I run.

My heart has met its counterpart, my soul its mate. Even if it isn’t so, it seems like fate. Maybe we weren’t meant to be, but it has become everything to me. Every little nuance of his face and in his voice makes me either weep in pain or leap and rejoice. To be near him, to commandeer him, to become his meaning, to control his feeling – I wish for him to claim me and my dream realize, for him I yearn with a hunger I cannot disguise.

I broke him, I broke us, I ruined it all. There was nothing left except to fall. I realized then what I know now – I am blessed with love only fate can endow.

Still on shaky legs I tried to get my bearings, but without him my seas are dangerous, uncaring. He is my north star, the light that I follow, and even from afar, he is my heart and my hallow. To yearn and yearn and long like this, I know I will never know real bliss. He shares no obsession of me and mine, I suppose this is punishment from the divine. He has no curiosity where I am concerned, whereas I burn to know every instant, every minuscule turn. I know this fire will eternally rage, but for him this is simply a gold-gilded cage.

I walk on shaky legs forever towards the edge, failing each step to make it over the ledge. Were I to jump ship perhaps this path would end, but this is the path I chose and will always defend. Will he walk with me through life holding my hand? I know mine will always reach to him, willing him to stand. Through fear comes nothing but a never-begun ending, regrets soon to follow with grief heart-rending. I choose to live with no regret and with Light my only master. I hope no more fear will lead us to disaster.

I walk on shaky legs to the love I’m after, doggedly pursuing my dreams of laughter. Someday perhaps these shaky legs will walk strong again. Someday perhaps he will remember I am here to steady him. Until then I can only hope to gain an inner zen. Perhaps this next cycle won’t be quite as grim. Maybe he and I can support each other once more. Maybe it can even be better than before.

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