Deep Heartache

We all have at least one person that means the world to us, and if we don’t it’s because we haven’t found the person that can make us open our hearts. I don’t mean romantic love either. I mean people that just matter to us as friends or family. Being hurt by them when you are already down is absolutely the worst pain in the world. Betrayal, angst, misery…all of those feelings flow through you. You just want to not exist anymore. But that isn’t going to change because you do exist. Your death will only inconvenience those same people. You don’t want to hurt them any more than you already have. What’s the point of a life where you just waste your days and hurt those you love? There isn’t any good quality in that. A person like that, a person like me, has no redeeming qualities. We are the example of what not to be. We are what people look at and pity or disdain. It’s such a humiliating, meaningless existence. I wish I didn’t exist.

The pain literally debilitates me. Knowing I am such a terrible person in the eyes of the people I love is a deep ache I can’t erase or ignore. It tears a person up from the inside out, where every memory is another claw tearing through your heart. Knowing you are the bad guy, the villain, the selfish unthinking short-sighted idiot that everyone pities for their stupidity makes you really wish to be swallowed up by a black hole. There is so much guilt and shame and self-hate that it makes breathing hard. Every good thing gets erased. All you can see is how little a reason there is for your continued existence. It’s better to be a shadow and just become nothing. It’s a lot less painful that way. But going back to that kind of existence after breathing for so long is dying all over again, and it’s more painful and difficult the second time around.

Maybe I really don’t deserve anything good to happen to me. Maybe I really am a totally horrible human being that deserves every painful memory I have. But I still want to live. I still want to become a meaningful existence to myself. I still want to hope. I hope this heartache will eventually fade. I hope I will feel whole again some day. I hope to be happy someday. Until then, pain and numbness are my only companions.

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