A truth we all know as we walk through the curves and bends, hills and mountains, desert sands and plains on our journeys is that life happens. Things usually do not go to plan. Many unpleasant and unfortunate experiences meet us on our paths. Mostly, we are crushed and scarred by those experiences. Sometimes, we learn from them and grow stronger. Other times, we simply cannot process it all and hence cannot truly move forward.
This year has been a collection of events that I cannot quite process. I failed out of my dream PhD program. I could not find employment for over six months, largely due to a supervisor’s grudge against me. Once I did find employment, it was and is a hard place to get to and is not very lucrative. Then my grandfather, whom I was very close to, passed away in his sleep, happy and having lived a long fulfilling life.
My boyfriend of 3.5 years proposed to me, and I accepted, in front of his family and my friends. My parents don’t know about him as they cannot accept him. I wish they would be more accepting so they could come to love the man who has cherished me for years.
After all this, my father decided that my sister and I had to begin paying for everything equally, right when I was unemployed and down on my luck. I luckily, thank the Lord, finally got a job in my field that I actually really enjoy. As soon as I thought that was settled, my father and mother fought and it escalated to the point that I came to hate him. The one time in my life I glared at the man who has made my mother unhappy for decades, he chose to physically and verbally assault me. I am still trying to process this happening all at once.
The strain and stress of trying to make ends meet and functioning in a family of now 3, wherein my sister has abandoned me in favor of her best friend and my mother is more attached to my sister, is leading me into severe depression. My fiancée cannot take much more of my venting to him about the events in my life. I don’t blame him, no one should have to swallow so much negative energy from someone else. He also cannot take the place of my family, he already has his own. They are all absolutely amazing to me, but I am always going to be an outsider.
I just feel lost, afraid, directionless and unable to cope right now. I have lost hope in my future even though evidently things are working out for now. I just feel like a plague and a poison. I truly wish I was dead so I couldn’t screw up anymore.
May the days that come lead me to paths unseen, through peaceful waters and lush green, so that my soul can begin to mend and heal, and once more true joy I can feel.
If any of you have had a similar kind of year, my prayers and best wishes are with you. Hope to see you on the happy side of life.