It has been so long since I posted here. I’m sorry for that, but I dislike writing things I don’t truly mean and am not actually feeling in that moment. Hence, the long sabbatical.
You see, I had achieved a modicum of neutral stability, even ranging to slight happiness at times. I was cruising through life while completely functional and ready to get to the next chapter of living. Then, something unexpected happened. I fell in love. This wasn’t something I really thought would ever happen again. I figured I would die and be eaten by my cats. That was my long term plan for my old age.
Falling in love was amazing. The euphoria and sheer joy of it took my breath away. I didn’t know how to deal with a great thing being dropped in my lap. I still don’t. In fact, if I repeat all my past mistakes, which I think I’m starting to, I’ll just end up ruining it. I’m honestly amazed I haven’t already. Love, however, tends to make us look at the worst in ourselves and it won’t allow us to be numb. It makes us face our worst selves head on. And my worst self is pretty hard to face.
My brain is accustomed to numb apathy with slight sparks of emotion every once in a while. If not that, then it just wants me to die. Notice, I DO NOT want to die. My brain just lies to me and tells me I’m worthless. I’m not. I have a fantastic support group of family and friends and, somehow, there is someone out there who likes me enough to want me in their life. That’s a fucking miracle, excuse my French. I have my life together both personally and professionally for the most part and I quite enjoy what I’ve built for myself.
My brain, however, refuses to acknowledge any of this. Instead, it wants me to be depressed and suicidal. It wants me to end my life on a regular basis. I was experiencing happiness for the first time in forever and it decided that wasn’t going to be a lasting experience. Instead, it has made me spiral into the deepest depression I have had in over a year and it would have been much worse had my friends not stepped up and supported me through it. I have anxiety about Everything and that Ruins Everything. There is no real reason for me to be experiencing this right now but my past just won’t stop haunting me.
My family and friends have advised I get professional help so that is what I am going to do. Therapy may destroy both me and what I have going with my new relationship but I think I will destroy things myself if I don’t get help. I do not want the past controlling my present, I do not want to allow fear to rule me, and yet I have.
The people in my life deserve better. They do not deserve to be treated badly because I can not muster the energy to act happy. They do not deserve to be targeted because I am angry at the world and at life for my traumas. I learned from every single one of those experiences and became stronger because of them. I do not want them to be the reason I crumble and give up on life.
Perhaps I will die alone. Perhaps not. Perhaps everyone will come to realize what a waste of space and burden and waste of time and energy I am. Or maybe, some of them will think I’m worth keeping around. I am going to try to train my brain to think differently. I am going to try to behave differently until I become a different version of myself. A happy, balanced, confident version. I hate the person I am acting like right now. That has to stop.
I don’t want to be miserable anymore. I don’t want to feel the need to disappear and cease to exist. I don’t want to be unworthy of love any longer. I want to have all the best things in life. I want to live a fulfilling life. I simply want to Live.