Broken

“Now I know there’s no use tryin’
To get me and you on the same page
When you say that you love me you’re lyin’

Speakin’ truthfully, I’m not sure why we keep fightin’
You just go blame the bad timin’
Admit it to me
Speakin’ truthfully, I love you more than you love me.” – Truthfully by DNCE

 

The moment you realize you are way ahead of yourself and about to make things really awkward and uncomfortable for the both of you is possibly the most anxiety-ridden moment of all. I have full blown anxiety about 90% of the time but I’ve become pretty great at keeping a handle on my emotions and myself over the years. Recently all of that went out the window.

You see, I fell in love. I couldn’t believe it. I had believed that part of myself dead for a very long time. I didn’t think I was even capable of it anymore. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any opportunity to pursue other avenues prior to this experience. It wasn’t even that I was averse to establishing a great friendship that could become more over time. I just didn’t think I would find someone who made me happy-go-lucky, who lit a fire in my soul, who made my days warm and bright, who put color back into black-and-white, and who would become someone I both loved and loved being with ever again in this lifetime.

It isn’t that there aren’t amazing people out there. I just didn’t think anyone could find me amazing, too. I didn’t think I would ever be loved again. I didn’t think I could bring myself to open up my heart to someone beyond the limit of friendship. The difference between an amazing friend and a potential life partner is pretty simple to me: how much do I want to be with him, how much do I miss his company, how much do I wish he could experience something together with me, how much do I want to share all the good and bad things with him, how much do I worry about his well being, how much do I want to help him find success and joy, how much do I wish he would hold me in his arms every night and wake up next to me every day for the rest of my life?

Realizing I was in love once more was probably one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I am sure many other people can relate. The potential for personal disaster is enormous for anyone who loves the way I do.

I am one of those people who hardly ever has a crush, much less falls in love. I think I’ve fallen in love for real twice in my whole life. Falling in love is so rare for me that when I do fall in love, I do it with everything I have. There are no gradations. There are no gray spaces. Either I am in love or I am not. Once I am, there is no going back or running away or ignoring it. My own heart and mind will not let me. Running away accomplishes nothing (I tried it). Ignoring it is impossible (hence blog post after blog post regarding it). Taking back what I’ve already given is a laughable thought. I love hard and I love deeply. As a result, I get burned every time I love. I simply always love more than the other person.

Recently, I had my heart broken once more. I was the one to end the relationship because we had different end goals. I believe that if I am in an exclusive, serious relationship at this stage in my life, I am spending my time and energy on a person I view as a potential life long partner. Evidently, some people do not understand this at all. They don’t associate exclusive, serious relationships with eventually getting married and having a family together. For me, this is a major deal breaker. I don’t believe in holding onto someone’s heart and saying sweet things and being there for them whenever they need me to be but not being willing to commit to them or to a shared future. This element seems to be missing from several individuals I have come across and so I’ve decided to air my grievances here. I do not want to open a channel of communication with someone who decided to walk away rather than commit for reasons I don’t comprehend but I feel as though an open letter to him will help me find some type of closure. So here goes:

 

“Dear XYZ,

You were everything I thought I wanted. I wanted to wake up next to you and fall asleep next to you. I wanted to kiss you awake every day. I wanted to share meals, laughter, hectic days, slow nights, sleepy weekends, fun trips, parties, movie nights, concerts, festivals, breakdowns, fights, healing, growing, tears, hugs, quiet moments, loud restaurants, walks on the beach, walks in the park, walks down the street, laundry days, cleaning days, cooking days, car wash days, times when you need someone to hold, times when I need someone to hold, the feeling of accomplishment when one of us did something great, discussions about current events, your obsessions, my obsessions, sickness and health – I wanted to share Everything I am with you. I wanted to share my Life with you. I wanted you to be the other parent to my children. I wanted You.

My heart is heavy with the weight of words unspoken. I should have said them all to you when I had the chance. I shouldn’t have wasted our valuable time in what-ifs and maybes. I should have confronted you straight-forwardly and told you what I wanted. I should have made myself clear from the get go. I should have told you I want to find my forever person, not the one who walks in and out of my life on a whim. I should have made you fight for me. I should have made you want to be with me no matter what – but I know that’s something no one can do. You weren’t ready. 

You should have told me you wanted everything but marriage. You shouldn’t have said you can’t imagine your life without me or that we have years to come so lightly. Did you think I would simply be strung along by words forever? I’m a person who believes actions speak louder than words. I watched your actions and based my expectations and assumptions on them. You once thought about me all the time and were happy to do so. You told me I am your happiness and make you calm. You told me I helped you and you learned a lot from me. It is really unfortunate that you didn’t learn the most important thing of all – people are more important than things. I failed to teach you that. You failed to value us more than your vague future plans. You failed to value me, my friendship, my love, my kindness, my generosity and my selflessness. You failed to make sure I never left. You failed our love. You failed me.

I wished you well the last time I saw you. I still do. I wish for your happiness and success. I wish for your life to be one of adventure and joy and growth. Most of all, I wish that you would overcome your traumas so that you could finally begin to touch the tip of the iceberg that is your potential. I wish you could learn to truly love yourself instead of the things you busy yourself with. I wish you could learn to live in peace and sit in silent self-reflection rather than constantly working yourself to exhaustion so that you have no time to think. I wish you could see yourself the way I saw you – a person to be cherished, admired, respected and loved. I wish you would stop running from your demons – they will never leave you alone until you stand up to defeat them. I wish you would choose to help yourself rather than run from your problems. 

A part of me still hopes you will suddenly have a change of heart. It dreams that you will decide to shift your priorities to include me and mine. It hopes that you will miss me and the light I brought into your life so much that you will hate life without it. It hopes that the words you were saying so easily will become action. It hopes that you will ask me to take you back and it hopes that you will want to spend your entire life with me.

The rest of me knows better. It knows people don’t change for other people. They may want to be a better person because someone they love deserves better. They do not, however, change what is intrinsic in them. You have proven you will avoid problems for as long as possible no matter what. You will refuse to face the music and pay your dues. You will talk your way out of anything you don’t want and talk your way into anyone’s heart that you do want, even if it’s only for a night. 

I gave you everything I could: my time, my energy, my heart. I planned things and did things and learned things with you. I went out of my way to ensure your life was better, easier, happier. I changed a lot of my life to accommodate yours and I did it happily. I thought you were trying to do the same. I thought we were walking towards a future shared together. I was wrong. I wasn’t good enough for you and now I know I never will be.

It always bothered me that you hid me from your loved ones. It made me question my self worth and feel like a dirty little secret. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. And it wasn’t. You weren’t proud of me. You weren’t looking to keep me around forever. You were simply playing house with someone who loved you enough that she let you do so, until she didn’t. She knew that you would break her irreparably if she didn’t stop you from talking her into whatever you wanted. She already knew that real love doesn’t look like a cracked mirror, distorted by broken dreams and shattered hearts. She knew better. 

I started grieving long before that last conversation happened. Something in me knew that you weren’t acting the part of a future husband. Some subconscious signals from you and patterns I didn’t consciously process made it clear that you weren’t in it for the long run. Even though I wrote you a fifteen minute letter of sincere love and apology explaining exactly how I feel about you and us, you took it so lightly. You continued misleading me with your words and hiding me from your loved ones. In the end, I left you because you and I have very different goals in life. That doesn’t mean I stopped loving you or started hating you. I simply couldn’t stand to be the last priority and the least valuable person in your life. I valued you so much more than that. I refused to be strung along for a decade or more then left with nothing in your wake except a devastated soul.

I recognize now that you had been manipulating me into becoming the person you wanted just as I was trying to manipulate you into becoming the person I wanted. I realize now you would have said anything to keep me around if I hadn’t demanded straightforward answers and pushed you to look inside. I know now we had different understandings of the same words but that didn’t justify what you did.

You knew what I wanted, you simply refused to acknowledge it lest you lose the satisfaction of my company. If serious has nothing to do with working towards marriage, then what is the point of that word? In that case, you are just dating, not seriously so. You may be exclusive, but that’s all you are. Why I had to explain these things to a grown man, I will never know.

You said you saw us having a future together, that you were optimistic about it, that we would have years at least. Where did you think that future would come from when you can never commit?

You gave me affection and love freely – it made me think you wanted me for real.

You gave me respect from the get go and admiration that grew as we knew each other more – it made me feel like I had finally found the right person.

You gave me friendship and laughter and serious times and quiet times. It made me think we worked so well together and I assumed you knew this too.

You didn’t rearrange your life for me though. I thought it was simply because you were the ‘busier’ of the two of us. Even as I told you that we all make time for what we prioritize, I let you prioritize everything except me.

Why did you tell me I was a source of happiness, why did you say you couldn’t imagine life without me, why did you tell me you loved me with both words and actions, why did you watch as I changed my life for you, why did you talk about having years to come, when you weren’t going to do what was necessary for all of that to be a reality long term?

You wouldn’t share yourself in your entirety with me. I thought it was because of your traumas and your past. I thought I would give you time to open up. Now I realize you would never do so – you weren’t ready to admit they existed. 

You didn’t go out of your way to walk me to my car or make sure I got home safe at night. I thought you were simply trying not to be controlling and were respecting my independence. I realize now you didn’t actually care that much. You just cared while I was in front of your face. Out of sight, out of mind.

You didn’t try to hold me when I cried. You didn’t try to call me when you thought I’d be upset. I simply learned not to be upset at the things you did and didn’t do because I loved you so much. 

You sometimes would go out of your way for me and answer phone calls at work even though that was hard for you, or so you said. Yet you found time to be on Facebook messenger and ostensibly browsing the web but not time to text me. You blatantly told me your simply forgot I existed over and over again. Before we really started to date, you would make time to talk to me whenever it was convenient for me. Over time, you took my kindness and generosity for granted. You took me for granted. And suddenly, you were always too busy even to communicate with me. I became a chore. 

You told me that you aren’t good at expressing your emotions. But if it ever got to a point that made me seriously doubt you, you magically could. 

You didn’t Want to know the people I love or the things I love. You simply wanted me to enmesh myself in your life while still keeping me at a distance.

I don’t think you ever really believed in me. 

Your love was selfish. You didn’t even try to reach a compromise with me if the topic required any real effort of you. You wanted the fun without the work. You didn’t want to be a team player. You wanted to do You, you didn’t want to be an Us. You avoided any topic that might reveal anything Real about you. I simply saw through you. You didn’t care about My wants, My life goals, My needs. You just wanted me to help you with Yours.

I decided you couldn’t have your cake and eat it too. I decided that I would no longer let fear take the wheel, that’s never been my style. I let go of my fears of abandonment and rejection for you. I tried my best not to let those fears guide me. I opened myself up to pain. I trusted you not to hurt me. But here we are now, each of us separate like you wanted. You chose to walk away like every person before you; I let you go without a heavy heart because I am so used to it at this point. Being rejected and moving on is my specialty. 

I made my peace with being in pain long before I confronted you. I find myself both aggrieved and at peace now. I think something inside me knew we didn’t fit together quite right. I love you so much that I was ready for you to become mine for a lifetime. I was ready to be yours. You weren’t ready for me yet. Maybe you never will be. 

My greatest regret is not teaching you to understand yourself. You want a family so bad you can’t help but point out children everywhere. You want a partner so bad you would help them with finances and cater to their dietary needs. You want to get better so bad you are building goal after goal to improve yourself. However, you won’t stop and talk to yourself. You won’t make peace with a past you can’t change. You won’t learn to make peace with your pain. You won’t let yourself grow. As a result, you will never truly love yourself or love anyone else. You will never love me enough to treat me as I should be treated and you will never do right by anyone else either. 

I hope you live your best life and I hope you find peace within yourself. I wish you every good thing and I pray for your protection from every bad thing. I hope you continue to excel in your career and move forward with your goals. I hope for only the best for you. I hope, most of all, that you will never break another heart and never have yours broken again either. Good luck in all your endeavors my friend, my lover, my beloved, my perfect imperfect man. Goodbye.”

 

I’m sure he will never bother to read anything I’ve written and there is a comfort in that. He will not be the recipient of words unspoken and me being heartbroken. I will not have to live in constant anxiety or pain because he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

We all deserve people who love us as we are and love us the way we want to be loved. They deserve the same from us. If one party is not loved as they should be, there are disparities that can never be resolved. If one party isn’t willing to be vulnerable and open themselves to the possibility of commitment, there is no point in the relationship. An unspoken trust is broken and without trust, there is no relationship.

What I found with this wonderful but damaged human being is now broken. I understand now why it’s called a break up – it leaves you a little broken every time.

I think I knew it wouldn’t end well so I never let myself get to the point of devastation I reached once before. I think I knew I was being lead no because I felt such a strong need to clarify it. I think I knew if I didn’t do anything about it, I would end up the broken mess I had been before.

Thankfully, all that is broken and hurting is a dream I was beginning to formulate with a man who had no dreams of me or with me. I was simply someone who entered his life to teach him things and when my role was no longer required, I left.

I hope the next time will be better than this one. I hope that I will not be just a learning experience and a bit of fun to the next man. I hope that I will be loved and cherished and treated right. I wish that would happen sooner rather than later because I am eager to meet him. I am ready to move on to a better tomorrow.

Hopefully this will be the last break up I ever have.

Hopefully I will never be broken again.

 

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