Tough Pill To Swallow

Someone told me recently that this is an year for renewal. With renewal comes an inevitable ending of some sort or the other.

Some of us have lost everything we thought defined us. Some of us had something promising come crashing down around us. Some of us found success in something we never imagine we would succeed in, only to have it fail soon after. Some of us built a tentative dream and had it spectacularly broken. Some of us simply kept striving for something we thought was now within reach, only to have it taken away from us abruptly. Some of us were lost, thought we found something, only to find that all that shines is not gold. Some of us were lucky enough to escape all of that ourselves but had to watch the people we love most get hurt, get sick, be broken, be afraid. Some of us went through severe trauma and now have no clue how to live anymore. Some of us are simply alone, somewhat through choice and somewhat through circumstance. Some of us had a kind of devastation that is indescribably horrific arrive in the form of loss of personal possession or a person we love.

We each have our own demons and disappointments to deal with. Some of us choose to face them, some of us refuse to acknowledge their existence, and some of us are simply unable to respond at all. Sometimes, we do a little bit of all three to try and get through the day. We all have moments where we break down and cry our hearts out. We all have times where we wonder just why something has happened to us. We all wonder what we did to earn that kind of treatment. We all wonder where it all went wrong. We all wonder if there could have been any way to prevent whatever is tearing away at us. We all try to think of scenarios where our deepest wishes miraculously come true. We all try to function. Sometimes we give in to the urge to give up. But, hopefully, we all try to hope again. Without hope, all is lost.

I thought I had already had an ending and a new beginning in the form of my most recently failed relationship. I’m starting to understand now that it was simply a form of learning and healing and re-hashing what I’d already been through before with someone else. I hadn’t fully felt and processed everything at that time because it was a much longer relationship with a much more traumatic ending. This relationship taught me a lot about me. I learned where my broken bits still are and where I’ve healed. I learned how much stronger I’ve become and how much more capable of making sensible decisions not based solely on emotion. I learned how to love and be happy again.

I also learned that I am no longer in the market for emotionally unavailable men. I learned that I want a mature man who wants the same things I do, no matter how different we are as people. I learned I want to go on adventures and make memories and enjoy the small quiet moments with my life partner. And I learned that I need someone who is willing to give 100%, not just half of themselves. I learned that because I make my relationships my priority, I need someone who is willing to do the same. I am willing to be friend, lover and partner. I learned that I will not settle for less for less than that from someone else and I will not let anyone take me for granted or treat me badly ever again.

I learned a discerning factor between someone who is genuinely into you and who is simply along for the ride, however long it lasts. The person who really wants you will be endlessly curious about you, no matter how much time has lapsed. They will want to know your fears, your wants, your dreams and your goals. They will want to help you make your dreams a reality. If nothing else, they will be there for you in the hardest times, just so you never feel alone.

I also realized that this person will do anything they can to ensure you never walk away. That doesn’t mean that they will become a different person. It just means that your needs and wants will always be a priority for them and they will do whatever they can, within reason, to see that those are met. You may have disagreements but they will never dissolve into ugly fights. You may agree to disagree but you will never disrespect each other. You will always treat each other with the utmost care. The one thing in the world that should never be a cause for anxiety is the person you love and their treatment of you. I learned that I cannot be with someone who becomes the reason I act bipolar. I learned that I am a wonderful partner and deserve better than that.

Everything about myself that I am afraid is a turn off will not be one for the right person. All of my insecurities will be allayed because that person will ensure that I have no cause to feel them. The right person will make me feel like I am worthy of everything he can give me and then some. The right person will never make me second guess myself or go down a spiral of self hate. In fact, they will do everything in their power to make sure they are never the reason for my negative emotions. They will always make the effort and put in the work with me. They will never walk away. I will make sure they won’t want to because I will give them all of that and more.

This morning, I woke up in physical pain from missing the person who is abruptly no longer in my life. It is as if my best friend just died. In just a few months, his presence turned my life inside out in a mostly great way. Now, there is all this time and nothing to fill it with. There is only the deafening silence from the lack of him. There is only misery to keep me company at night. There is no laughter to take away the pain. There is no banter to make me feel extra alive. There is just loneliness that will not go away.

The funny thing is that I know he isn’t the right person for me, not with his mindset and his obsession with his ‘goals’ aka his excuse to never commit. I miss him and love him anyways. It sickens me to think he has already forgotten my existence and moved on. I have no clue if this is true but I’m afraid of being That insignificant anyways. I am afraid every time he said he loved me or missed me or spent time with me, he lied. He made sure to never invest too much in me. I am the idiot who invested too much in him. I feel like a fool. I feel betrayed. I feel a little bit like I was taken advantage of and manipulated. Mostly, I feel dumb. My ego hurts. My pride smarts. My spirit is angry. I can’t let it go.

The thing with renewal and endings is – you have to let it go. If you don’t let it go, you can never find a new beginning. I’ve been going through all the motions attempting to force my mind to accept my new reality. I’ve deleted all our messages and all of his voice messages to me. I’ve taken all of our pictures off of my phone. I’ve mailed his key back to him. On the surface, I’m trying to move forward. Inside, I’m stuck. My mind and heart simply refuse to accept it. This relationship was too abbreviated. I didn’t stick with it long enough. I didn’t try hard enough. It was still going well. Why did I end it. What good is coming from this. I regret this ending. I shouldn’t have ended it. He should have loved me more. Why didn’t he love me enough. What am I lacking. These thoughts keep circling around in my mind despite my understanding of the whole situation. I made the right decision but my heart doesn’t agree with me.

For a new beginning, there must be endings. This ending may be making the way for some kind of renewal, some kind of new beginning, but it is a very hard pill to swallow.

For now, all I can do is focus on myself and my own wants and needs. All I can do is go and do the things I love and be with the people I love and put one foot in front of the other. All I can do is hope for a better tomorrow.

For all of you similarly struggling with some avenue of your life, be it fiscal, relationships, personal tragedy, mental trauma, physical trauma, depression and anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or loss of any kind, I hope you remember this:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

You are loved by someone. You are valued by someone. You are valuable without anyone else’s validation. You are unique. You are You. No one else can ever be you. You are Worthy. Don’t ever give up Hope. Hope springs eternal for a reason. With hope and determination, anything is possible, anything at all. You are strong. You have made it through every day to today. You can do it. I believe in you.

Thank you for reading and thank you for taking part in my journey towards self-discovery. I wish you all the best of luck. Until next time, ciao.

 

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