My Inner Landscape

Craggy and worn like a broken rock on the shoreline of a tumultuous sea, deep and unexplored like the darkest depths of the ocean, teeming with both horrific and indescribable creatures, with enough pressure to crumble mountains to dust – that is my current inner landscape.

I alternate between anger and depression. The withdrawal symptoms from the sudden end of a relationship are the same as those from a lack of any addictive drug. I physically hurt from time to time because the craving is so bad. There is one big difference between me and a crackhead though – I can stop. I can let it go. I can take longer and longer periods of time in every day that comes to just breathe and be easy with myself.

I hadn’t realized this before but I have been so drained. I was so tired and worn out inside from the emotional toll this relationship was taking on my well being. I was constantly stressed, I was extremely agitated and anxious, I was insecure and questioning, I was both hopeful and hopeless, I was in love and afraid, I was depressed and wishing for more joy. I was always trying my best to be the best me. I was trying to show him I loved him in every way I could. I gave him all of me – my mind, my body, my heart and a small part of my soul. He walked away from me and everything I was willing to give him without a second glance back because he was too afraid to do the same.

Timing really is everything. If I had met him even a couple of weeks before I did, I would not have decided to date him or let myself fall in love with him and his sweet words. If I had met him just a couple of weeks after, I may have decided he wasn’t worth the effort and I wasn’t willing to put in the work. However, as fate would have it, I met him at just the right time on just the right day. I brought him into my life and introduced him to my friends in the most easy to adjust to environments. I allowed him to see all of me – the good, the bad, the ugly, the anxious, the depressed, the disillusioned, the bipolar, the crazed, the inspirational, the fiery, the sultry, the reserved, the artistic, the scientific. I thought he was as much in love with me and my flaws as I was with him and his. I was wrong.

I had some amazingly happy times with him, but I also had some serious lows. It was like a 4 year relationship happened in 4 months. We had the fights, the discussions, the experiences and the mundane that happen in many relationships. We grew together a little. I had hoped to keep growing with him forever but it was not to be.

The truth is I am furious with myself.

I am angry I allowed myself to be duped for so long. I am angry that I wanted the illusion of love enough that I allowed it to go on this long. I am angry I invited him into the depths of my heart and soul only to find he wasn’t even going to let me in past first base in his. I am angry for wanting someone who did not truly want me. I am angry that I allowed myself to be rejected and abandoned once more. I am angry that I am not good enough.

I am also depressed that I am not good enough. Visions of being old and senile, uncared for, unloved, forgotten and alone, surrounded only by my feline friends, rotting in my own filth while crying myself to my final breath haunt me every day. I do not want to die alone and unloved. I want to live a fulfilled life. For me, that means finding a life partner, having a family of my own, creating a future together, accomplishing goals, traveling the world, and then letting nature take its course. I want the whole meal, not just a bite and a taste. I am not content to be taken for granted and discarded when inconvenient. I am not content to be good enough to play around with but not good enough to commit to. I am not content with a moment’s joy in exchange for a lifetime of loneliness. That is not good enough for me.

I wish I was a serene lake with bright green trees and meadows surrounding me. Instead, I am a muddied river barely moving, gathering more and more sediment and dead fauna. I am tired of living.

I wish over and over that I was better somehow, that I was not myself. I wish over and over that I had never existed. I wish over and over that I could turn back time and never have met him or the several before him. I wish I could have been smarter and safe guarded my heart better. I wish I had given away less. I wish I hadn’t failed.

I know I am far from the only lonely and depressed person out there. I am far from the only jilted lover or scorned partner. I am far from the only person who has been abandoned and rejected over and over again. I am not even close to being the only person to be lead on and duped by someone.

I know that many of you out there have experienced heartache and heartbreak (yes, they’re different). I know that many of you out there have been betrayed either by someone else or your own heart or both. I know that many of you are nursing similar wounds or are in some step of the process to recovering totally and moving on.

While I wish I hadn’t failed once more, I am proud of myself for having the courage to try again.

“…Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life…It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all.” – JK Rowling

I will not live a life that is so cautious that I might as well be dead. I will attempt to make better choices and decisions. I will try hard to be brave in the face of my fears. I will try to change my inner landscape into the one I want rather than wallow in the one that is. I will become the person I envision being because I have faced so many obstacles and heartbreaks. I will be kind and generous to the end.

Even though I say all of this, the fact is that I all the jagged edges of shared memories, both sweet and mundane, keep making me bleed. New wounds haunt me day and night. I can’t even sleep.

I am misery embodied because my other half isn’t with me anymore.

I want more than anything to bask in the comfort of his presence and feel his arms around me once more.

I want him to want me back badly enough to change his perspectives on life and reevaluate his life goals.

I want him to want to be with me for the rest of his life because he truly can’t imagine a life without me.

I want him back.

It is my hope that all of you out there will always be able to stand up after you fall. I hope that you will have friends and family to help you pick up the pieces as I do. I hope that you will live a better today and always hope for a better tomorrow.

May your inner landscapes be full of peace and purpose. May kindness and generosity be your motivations. May your fears lose to your will and patience every time.

With that said, I hope you all have a great start to a new week and a new day. Happy Monday!

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