Deleted

Sweet Deception

“It all seemed so perfect

I guess lies are that way

They wait until you’re tangled in them

Wrapped in their beauty

and the minute you start to believe they’re real

They rip apart all the hope you had left.”

– Samantha King (Born to Love, Cursed to Feel)

Hanging on to the past has never been my favorite thing to do. I know that I have a tendency to do so anyways and I know that it will simply drive me insane, one memory at a time. My solution has always been to remove reminders from my space and to change things up in my life until the memories are just that, memories. Memories that fade don’t haunt me or fill me with regret. I change with time and experience, I evolve into a new person every few years, and I continue to grow every moment. I embrace the pain so that I can break and make myself anew. It is not often, however, that I directly instigate that pain in my life. I don’t often go out of my way to create emotionally draining or traumatic experiences for myself or for others.

My most recently failed, however, is entirely my fault and so I cannot let it go. No, I didn’t make my partner do or say the things he did and said. No, I didn’t go out of my way to make him miserable enough to leave me – quite the opposite, I did everything I could to ensure he was happy and secure. No, I didn’t cheat on him, lie to him, abuse him or take abuse from him. What I did do is simple: I didn’t acknowledge the red flags early on in the relationship and I didn’t have the courage to demand answers before I finally did. I didn’t make what I wanted crystal clear from the start, and I should have. I didn’t demand he treat me better, and I should have. I didn’t practice greater self-respect and self-preservation, and I should have. My relationship failed both because he and I aren’t truly compatible and because I didn’t do my best to ensure that wouldn’t be the case when I first started seeing him. I was a fool in love and now my mind is clear. Hindsight is 20/20. I’ve learned a valuable lesson – don’t let anyone get too close too fast.

I’ve been deleting his existence from my life one thing at a time. First, I deleted our millions of text messages. Then, I deleted the voice mails he once left me. Next, I deleted our pictures off of my phone, but I still have every single one on an external memory card. Last but not least, I deleted our messages on Facebook.

Thankfully, because he never wanted the world to know about me, we had no posts or pictures on social media together. If you scrolled through any of my social media timelines, it would appear as though he never touched my life. You wouldn’t think he was the person I was spending every second I could manage with. You wouldn’t think he was the person I envisioned as being my spouse one day. You would think we were just casual acquaintances. He wanted all the good times with none of the bad, all of the pleasure with none of the pain, and all the benefits with none of the responsibility.  The fool that I am gave him all of that, no strings attached. Evidently, that’s not how people love anymore. What a fucking joke.

“telling a woman you’re not ready for a relationship but expecting her to give you relationship benefits is abuse, it’s confusing, it’s hurtful. ” – r.h. sin

I wish I could delete my memories of him. I remember him everywhere I go because we went to so many of my favorite places together. I remember him in so many things I do because we did so many things together. I remember him every time I get a text message or phone call – I still sometimes think that it’s him.

The worst part is that I can’t delete him from my subconscious. Everyday when I wake up, my first thought is of him followed by the second thought of his betrayal. I get hit by the realization that I was played over and over. It’s more difficult every time. I am suffering from insomnia once more. I hadn’t had a real sleep problem in months and now it’s back in full force. I guess this is what happens when the person you love plays you for a fool and walks away without a backward glance.

He has probably deleted me from his life completely. There is probably not even a single trace of me left in the apartment I was starting to think of as my second home. But he can’t delete me from his mind either. He won’t be able to forget my laughter or my anger. He won’t be able to forget my kindness and my generosity. He’ll remember me sitting on the couch in ‘my’ spot while he did his thing. He’ll remember me doing chores with him and taking him out to delicious dinners. He’ll remember me sleeping in his arms and the smell of my hair. He will never be able to forget me. Some day, I hope he regrets losing someone who, by his own account, was always his happiness, never his pain. I guess that will be my greatest revenge.

the life after you

“my life ended

the moment i fell for you

and somehow deep down

i realized that in order to live again

i had to live without you”

– r.h. sin

 

For now, all I can do is work towards deleting his presence from my life entirely. This will take some time but I will make it happen. I am no weaker or lesser than before. If anything, I’m stronger and somehow better. My life will go one, one deleted memory at a time.

For all of you out there struggling with tendrils of the past holding fast to your hearts, those of you with memories that haunt and destroy you, those with fears that paralyze and destabilize you, I have just one thing to say – what has happened cannot be changed but what is to come is in your hands. You control your mind and your heart. You are in charge of yourself. The past cannot do anything to you unless you let it. My advice is to learn from it, to accept it, and then let it go. Don’t let it weight you down and keep you from a much better and brighter future to come. You are resilient. You are strong. You are everything you need to be even when you’re wrong. Delete the evil in your heart, take out the proverbial soul trash and make room for the new things to come. May your hearts be freed from the demons of your soul and may your spirits soar high and untouchable. And may you never have to delete someone dear in your lives again.

Happy hump day! Here is to a great rest of the week to come!

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