Incoherent and Irrational

A bout of depression has struck me once more. I feel incoherent and irrational today. I keep trying to go back in time and make sense of things. I keep on trying to figure it out – where did I make my first mistake and when did I make my last one?

Sometimes, I regret the decisions I make even though I know they were the right ones for me at that point in time. The hardest decisions always have the greatest consequences. The decisions that leave you drained and tired and wondering why you exist, the ones that make you question everything you’ve ever done to get to the point you are at, the ones that make you wish you weren’t so pathetic or so ugly or so XYZ (fill in the blank), the ones that keep you awake and night and wake you up from restless sleep to leave you writhing in pain, the ones that haunt your every step for months to come, the ones that leave you scarred and afraid and broken – those are the decisions that define you and who you choose to be in the long run.

Even so, those decisions have to be made and then you have to live with the consequences.

When those decisions involve letting go of someone or something you have loved with all your heart, it is incredibly difficult to let go. You can go through all the motions. You can go back to doing the things you once loved and did happily. You can spend time with loved ones. You can find new things to go do. You can give yourself space and time to heal. And it can still be horribly difficult to let go. The heart doesn’t just stop loving someone instantly. The heartbreak is inevitable.

I am having a really hard time letting go. It hasn’t been very long for me yet and the wounds are still fresh. My soul feels battered, my spirit is crushed, and the weight of failure is slowly destroying my self-worth and stripping me of my dignity. If I wasn’t who I already am and hadn’t already been through many things, if I didn’t have the influences I do in my life, if I didn’t have principles that I stuck to, I would be reduced to a hot mess begging for love while crying in a fetal position on the floor.

As much as I wish I didn’t, I miss him. I miss the sound of his voice, the way he couldn’t say my name quite right, the way he was always poking fun at me, the way his hand felt in mine, the way he would kiss me out of nowhere, the way he made me laugh so much, the way he was always a little nervous, the way he would cook and take forever to do the dishes, the way he was always in a hurry to be somewhere and do something, the way he would stop and stare at me wordlessly once in a while, the way he slept like the dead and then claimed he wasn’t tired, the way he made me feel warm and loved – I miss it all. The irrational part of me keeps wanting to reach out to him like a drug addict wanting to beg for just one more fix.

Unfortunately, this is where reality kicks in and stamps down on my feelings.

He called me his special person, he told me he can’t imagine his life without me anymore, he used to say I was the 2nd best in the world (himself being the best of all), he held me when I was sad, he was calm in the face of my anger, and he was so full of humor that sometimes I forgot how distant he really was. Everything was ‘private’ to him. No one was allowed to get into his inner world at all. He hugged me and kissed me but never walked me to my car or made sure I got home okay at the end of a late night. He never wanted to discuss anything but business – his goals were all that mattered. My goals held no interest and he had no concept of an ‘us’. ‘We’ didn’t mean much beyond people who went on dates and spent time together to him. ‘Love’ was the same as ‘like’. ‘Serious’ was his version of ‘casual’. And ‘marriage’ was a word beyond his comprehension. He wanted us to do our own things only – he didn’t want to have a thing we did together regularly, not even a sport. He didn’t want to put in the work or make any more effort than the bare minimum – I wasn’t worth that time or energy to him. He never once chased after me if I walked away – he was too busy for that.

I don’t miss any of that.

I don’t miss the anxiety he gave me. I don’t miss the feeling of loneliness I experienced constantly even when he was right there next to me. I don’t miss the feeling of being out of place and just barely a welcome guest on his turf despite having been given a key so I could let myself out at night. I don’t miss being invisible when anyone else in his life was involved. I don’t miss feeling like a burden when I wanted interaction and he didn’t. I don’t miss feeling rejected and forgotten and alone while still in a relationship with him. I don’t miss being told to busy myself because then I wouldn’t have time to be depressed or anxious – as if depression and anxiety are That easy. I don’t miss wondering when he would get rid of me just like he did all the other girls in his life before he ‘fell’ for me.

I don’t miss his selfishness at all.

I regret giving him so much of me. I regret the dozens of Starbucks trips, the drives between my place and his, the days spent bored because he was too busy watching videos about business to really be with me, the days of having to cancel plans we made because he didn’t manage his time correctly, the times when I found every gift I could think of to make him feel loved and happy, the places I always picked for us to go together, the plans I made for our nights out and for our nights in, and the weekends I dedicated entirely to him.

I regret being kind and generous to someone who just used me.

I wrote this all to remind myself why I let him go. He would never commit to me. He would simply drag it on until he destroyed me. I am glad that will never be the case now. I had the courage to end it because I’ve been down that road before and never want to follow it to its inevitable end again.

For anyone else out there who is missing someone they shouldn’t for their own good, just remember this – you ex is an ex for a reason. Don’t give in, don’t give up and don’t give your time to someone who will never truly value you. If they did, you wouldn’t have broken up anyways. They would have prioritized you and made sure you felt loved and secure. They would have paraded you in front of the whole world because they were so proud of you. They would have taken you everywhere you wanted to go because they wanted to go with you.

Value yourself. You are worth it!


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