Broken Dreams

This post began as an ode to a broken past and has ended as something else entirely.

Anyone of us who has dared to dream has definitely found obstacles on the way to achieving said dreams. Some of us never make it to the ‘achievement’ part of that dream because we give up along the way due to XYZ reasons. There is no pain quite like that of ending a loving relationship but there is also no pain quite like that of a broken dream.

The pain of a broken dream is always horrendous.

The shattering of an illusion is always more haunting than the reality itself.

The mourning of a reality that never came to pass is somehow deeper than the one that did.

Every night, I am afraid to fall asleep because I know I’ll wake up from a terrible dream and feel the heart break all over again. I’ll lay in bed in physical pain, unable to even move, because I am alone again. I will spend several mornings questioning myself and my decisions and why I am unable to look for and find what I wish for. I am finally starting to understand that I have been wishing for the wrong things all along. My ability to choose well is severely lacking. I lay there missing all the good moments while glossing over the bad ones. I go into a depressive cycle until something or someone gets me out of it or until I have the courage to get up and do something for myself. The most helpful thing for me is my amazing support group of friends and family – they are my saving grace, always.

I have had several broken dreams at this point. I have failed many times to achieve my goals. I have tried twice now to build a life with someone who didn’t want me. Thankfully, the second time was a much shorter period of time and therefore somewhat less of a burn. I am even now turning away from the thing that always made me myself – my writing. My unique voice is going unheard because I won’t make the effort to complete my project and publicize it. I am failing myself every day in this regard at least.

The fears of rejection and failure weigh heavy on me as I have been rejected and failed at another relationship. Another dream ended before it could begin, another path I could’ve walked that I won’t be able to now, another door that slammed shut in my face.

One thing has changed from the past – I am not shattered and I am not broken.

I am Strong.

I am Fierce.

I am Powerful.

I am Amazing.

I am Unique.

I Am.

No one and nothing can take those things from me unless I choose to give them away.

My power lies in the fact that I can watch my dreams break, I can bear the pain of failure, I can see my future fade, and still I go on. My strength lies in my ability to face every demon and accept every reality that comes my way. My grit is absolute. I will never give up without a fight for anything I truly want or believe in. I will continue to love fiercely and sincerely. If other people are not strong enough to take what I’m giving them, that is not my problem. That is a growth factor they need to achieve.

From every broken dream, a new one has started. From every closed door, a new opportunity has appeared. Out with the old and in with the new.

Depression and anxiety are old, unwelcome friends and I am still learning to deal with them, one day at a time. However, even they have given me undeniable strength. I can deal with real life and my responsibilities despite my irrational thoughts and desire to end my misery. That is something to be commended and I applaud anyone else who can keep going through it all.

For anyone suffering from apathy, lethargy, lack of motivation, debilitating physical pain, self-doubt, self-hate, anxious spirals, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and the heavy fog that accompany depression and anxiety, I want to say I sympathize, I empathize, and I know you can get better.

I know this because despite all the things I’ve written here, I can guarantee you that I have gotten better.

I no longer want to end my life – I want to improve it. This is a major change in my mindset from even half an year ago. As someone who attempted suicide several times and was very close to being successful twice, I can happily say that it is darn near miraculous that I no longer wish for an end to my life and no longer thing I am a waste of space and a needless existence. These thoughts simply don’t feel true to me anymore. My brain can’t lie as well as it used to because I’ve gotten help and learned to correct myself over time.

I have also managed to accomplish a couple of goals – I got the degree I wanted and I got a job I think is pretty great. I am also well on my way to paying off my giant debt. I have amazing friends. I have a loving family. I have the ability and opportunity to travel. I am healthy. These are blessings I will never stop being grateful for.

If you have had a dream break, mourn it. Feel the pain. Accept the loss. Then dare to dream again. Your life will always improve in the long run.

May your tomorrow be better than today. Happy Sunday!

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