Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time feeling lonely and alone. This, in turn, makes me feel like a failure, someone who was easily forgotten and possibly replaced, someone with no prospects of a normal life, someone who will never amount to anything, someone who will die alone and unloved.
I miss being in love. I miss the sensation of being loved, being sought out, being given attention even if that was not for very long. I miss that I could reach out and grab his hand. I miss the million ways he made me smile and laugh. I miss the many times we took each other places we had never been before. I miss the warmth and safety of his arms.
Though all of that looks good on paper and makes you wonder why I would willingly give it up and walk away, the reality was much different. There were so many days that I was lonelier with him than without him. There were so many times that he didn’t even consider my needs or wants even though I always tried to consider his. There were multiple instances where my feelings were disregarded and my thoughts totally rejected. Little things from not looking in my direction while we were out and about to bigger things like ignoring my existence for hours to do things that weren’t needs but wants all made me feel rejected and invisible.
This had begun to change over time. He had begun to open his mind to a different perspective slowly. He started to take me into account little by little. But he never acknowledged my existence to the important people in his life. He did everything he could to hide me from them. In fact, he didn’t value most people very much to begin with. I must confess, it made me feel good to know he did value me even though he doesn’t normally value others. Now I realize what a big red flag it was. A person who values money and material things more than people is not someone to rely on or love.
I was flattered when he chose me out of all the people he had been meeting before we started dating. I’m sure he was flattered to find out I had chosen him too. However, he didn’t want to be too attached to me. He didn’t want to let me in. We had arguments over this. He realized how much it hurt to be shut out after I did it to him. Then, we changed. He let me in. I thought he was in it for the long haul. Why else would he want me to help him pick out a house, start a business with him, help him decide on techno gadgets, cook for me, go everywhere I wanted to go, and at least always be available and answer my texts and phone calls? Why else would he make jokes about rings and babies and talk about having years together and getting matching tattoos some day? Why ask me to be part of his life when he didn’t need me in it unless he wanted me there?
The truth is, I fascinated him. I made him see things differently. I was genuine and caring and sincere and kind – things he apparently doesn’t experience very often. I was also temperamental, stubborn, assertive and strong and he liked that. I was ‘different’ a.k.a. a total dumbass. I always caught him off guard with my varied interests ranging from martial arts to reading, art to science, travel to fashion. I always found interesting things to go do. He started caring more about where we went and what we did together than who he did it all with. I think that’s when I knew that he wasn’t in this all the way. He didn’t love me. He just loved the joy I brought to his life.
He once told me I brought no value to his life because we had only been together a few weeks. I can’t translate how much that hurt me at the time. I couldn’t imagine dating someone who didn’t bring value to my life but apparently he could do it with ease. He callously hurt me with his words over and over and soothed me with his love over and over. I didn’t know it then but I was caught in a toxic net – he made me happy but he also broke me.
I see a lot of posts about almost relationships and how the person wasn’t ready to commit to one. The more baffling thing is when your partner was adamant about dating you exclusively almost from the start but never truly valued you. He didn’t cheat and he didn’t blatantly lie, ever. He knew those were deal breakers for me and he didn’t want to let this go. He wanted to ‘fix’ things without ever truly committing. He is a selfish little boy who simply won’t grow up and is too afraid to ever take the next step in his life.
Him deciding that his ‘goals’ were more important than our love and that His future is all he wants to think about broke my heart. Him never bothering to reach out afterwards broke my heart a little more. Him deciding to live his life without me hurt my soul. I now realize he didn’t deserve my love and I deserved better.
My mind is in a fog of loneliness and fear because of all the pain and betrayal I’ve experienced. I allowed myself to trust this person and now I’m paying for it. I am also very sad because I have had to say a second goodbye just today. A beautiful, sweet soul left the world a little less beautiful and sweet today. May he rest in peace and be free of all pain and sorrow.
This repetition of goodbyes, of letting go of those whom I love, is leaving me tired, worn out and unmotivated. I have no clarity of mind or spirit today. I’m existing in a haze. Nothing I’ve said or done today is helping me out of my funk. I can go through the motions. I can make small talk. I can contribute to my surroundings. Inside, however, I am a hot mess.
I feel so alone in a world of billions and a city of millions. This isn’t true of course. I have a great family and my friends rock. I feel alone and unprotected anyways. I’m a raw wound that won’t stop bleeding and then manifests an infection that kills the body. Loss is not empowering me today. It is bogging me down and sucking me in, leaving me unable to breathe.
I am far lonelier than I am alone. People often associate one with the other. The truth is that they are totally different things. You can alone and never be lonely or you can be with tons of people, even loved ones, and feel completely alone – that feeling is loneliness.
I don’t want him back. I don’t want to play second fiddle to someone or something ever again. I never want to be treated like a doormat or as though I’m invisible ever again. I never want to feel the pain of being fooled like this again.
I do want to have someone at my side though, the right person. The one that makes me laugh, that makes me want to take care of him, that makes me believe in happiness, that makes me want to be better than I am, that shows me he loves me the way I am, the one that inspires me to do greater things with my life, the one who is my best friend and lover and life partner all in one. I want that so badly my entire being aches. I want to be loved the right way.
This loneliness is worse than depression itself in some ways. This feeling of failure and defeat make the loneliness worse and incite more depression. I just want to stay at home and wallow in my misery. I don’t want to have to function. I just want to give up.
Something in me won’t allow it though. I cannot give up. I have things to do and people to see and places to go. Somewhere along the way, this loneliness will disappear. I will stop suffering and simply be whole again.
For all of us who are walking around with holes in their hearts and loneliness draining their spirit, I want to send up a prayer. Dear Lord, Please ease our pain and suffering, please fill our hearts with joy, please let us see our purpose in life, please helps us find the right paths to walk down, and please allow us all to find our forever person. Thank you.
Thanks for reading. May you all have a wonderful rest of the day.