Morning depression is the worst. Starting out every day with a sad heart and heavy soul is extremely difficult. I begin the day feeling dead inside and like there is no point to existing and never truly stop feeling that way. I cannot explain how hard that makes it to continue to function. I have responsibilities and people who love me – they are the only reason I can make myself get out of bed in the mornings. The people who make me laugh and comfort me when I’m broken are the only reason I can keep moving forward. If they weren’t in the picture, I don’t think I would ever wake up or get up again. I think I would just let myself die or thirst and hunger.
I am now having trouble actually functioning. It isn’t that I am not going through the motions – I have no other choice but to do so. It is more that I don’t actually want to do anything at all. I am apathetic to the max. If I am ever motivated to accomplish anything at all, I have to do it in short spurts. I cannot concentrate on anything. For example. this post took several tries and several days to even begin writing. Every sentence is excruciating and requires a lot of effort and focus.
I can’t sleep for very long and the sleep I do get is very restless. My head is pounding, I feel nauseous, and I just want to curl up in a fetal position and never get up again. I can’t think straight, I can’t focus and I just wish the pounding in my head would go away.
I don’t know why I had to go through months of being led on and used. I don’t know why my life always circles back around to bad choices on my part and thoughtless cruelty on the other person’s part. I don’t know why I’m always left behind and forgotten. I know I sound like I’m victimizing myself in this tirade but I truly don’t know why I’m never good enough for anyone. I don’t know why people even bother to put in energy and time towards being with me if they aren’t in it for the long haul. I am not the sort of person who easily enters into any kind of relationship. It takes time and effort for me to allow someone into my life even as a friend. After all of that, every single time, I am fooled around with then abandoned. Apparently I have a large sign on my head asking for people to mistreat me then throw me away.
I am tired of being used and played around with. I am tired of not being good enough for others. I am tired of giving and giving and having it thrown back in my face. I am tired f my every day problems and my personal disappointments. I am tired of my crushed dreams and shattered illusions. I am tired of hoping and loving and having my heart broken. I am tired, most of all, of existing.
I don’t wish to simply exist. I want to make an impact. I want to achieve a huge dream. I want to help people and grow myself. I want a great love and a great family of my own. I want adventure and quiet days. I want to dance in the rain, visit the Great Pyramids, ride elephants, fly over the Amazon, camp in Banff, watch a Caribbean sunset, swim in Bali, walk on the Great Wall, explore the temples in Kyoto, enjoy paradise in Hawaii, go to a concert in South Korea…the list goes on. I want to do all of that so much more. I want to be dynamic and love the world and myself. I want to meet a million people and learn their stories. I want to write their stories and tell them stories of my own. I want to conquer my own soul. I want to be Alive.
I am doing everything I can think of to begin down that path. This blog is one of those steps. Therapy and medication are another step. However, it just isn’t enough. I have so much more to accomplish and so little time to do it.
Today, however, I simply can’t bring myself to do a single productive thing. I am lost and I am anxious and I am simply sad.
I’m sure I’m not the only one in this predicament. If any of you are out there suffering too, my heart goes out to you. Lets help each other through the rough times and build each other up. May you all be successful in your endeavors. Happy Tuesday.