If you have been brave enough to live, you have not only failed repeatedly, you have lost much over and over, and you have been lost in the forest of endless possibilities and rocky paths. Sometimes, you are lost because you don’t know where you want to go or who you want to be. Currently, I find myself in a place of not just indecision but emptiness. I don’t have any passions I wish to pursue. I don’t have any goals I want to accomplish. I don’t have anything I want to give my all to. There is nothing that lights a fire in me and nothing that truly inspires me to become more than I am. I have reached a stage of comfortable stagnation that is the embodiment of apathy.
Directionless, passionless, unfulfilled, empty, bored – those are the adjectives I can best use to describe my current state. I am not at all troubled. In fact, I feel at ease. My ability to care about things has disappeared. I can barely make myself function. It is a real struggle with myself to come to work every day. It is a real struggle to make myself take a shower or clean my apartment. It is a real struggle to agree to go out with a friend for a couple hours. I simply want to shut down and shut the world out. I wish I was a student on summer break with nothing but empty hours to look forward to. Unfortunately, I have responsibilities that will not allow me to sink into a stupor and be unavailable to the ones I love.
I have been dragging my feet on even the most basic of things. I am normally a very clean and organized person. I make lists and I make sure I get things done. Recently, I cannot even manage to do the bare minimum and ensure my environment is not entirely a pig sty. This blog post has been in the works for 2 weeks now. It has been painful to bring myself to do anything other than sleep and eat. I simply want to drift away to my own world, be left alone, and do nothing. I wish to be nothing.
There are no brave words of advice or any lofty quote that comes to mind that I can leave you with right now. I wish I knew something that would reach me and inspire me. While I retain totally my ability to feel, empathize, sympathize, root for others and feel for others, I simply have no inspiration for myself. Nothing feels like it is really part of me or my reality. I simply drift along, leaving currents in my wake, unfazed by wherever the tides may lead me.
If anyone else has moments, days, weeks like mine or has advice to offer, I would love to hear it. On that note, I hope you have a great rest of the day. Thank you all for reading.