I realized recently that I am actively avoiding going to therapy. I don’t know exactly why I’m doing this but I am. I have a session coming up soon and have been trying to script exactly what I will and won’t say to my therapist during that session. Why am I doing this? I have no clue. My therapist hasn’t done anything for me to lose my trust in her. In fact, she has done a good job so far.
I am evidently afraid of something I am refusing to even acknowledge to myself. I’ve tried long and hard to figure out what it is but my own mind is blocking whatever it is. I guess I’m protecting myself somehow.
I cancelled the last session I had scheduled with her and made up excuses as to why I didn’t want to go. The truth is that I was so raw and hurt that day that I just couldn’t handle anymore pain or delving into the reasons for said pain.
I am anxious about my upcoming appointment. i don’t know what will happen during this session. Will I break down? Will I go mute? Will I lie? I don’t know.
This time, however, I will definitely go. The fact that I’m avoiding it is in itself significant. It means she has hit a nerve somewhere that is making me run from a truth. I won’t allow myself to run away anymore.
I am going to go to this session and I am going to do my best to be honest and upfront with her as I have been thus far. I hope I can figure out what is wrong. On the surface, I’m just drifting through life. I’m mostly numb. I don’t feel any real sadness or pain or anxiety at the moment. Even anger isn’t as overwhelming as it was in the past. In short, my emotions are muted. This does not, however, mean that I am clear minded. I am drifting along in a fog of my own making. I am tired no matter what.
If you are afraid to go to therapy, then you most definitely should. Finding the right therapist is very important but so is having the courage to keep going back to said therapist.
Good luck with your week everyone. Until next time.