Fat and Ugly

Thus far, I have spent most of my life feeling utterly unattractive with brief spurts of self love sprinkled in between. For the last few months all I feel is general self loathing. I feel lonely and empty. I feel unaccomplished and unmotivated. Mostly, I feel fat and ugly.

“Fat and ugly,” is a refrain playing on repeat in my head. I wake up feeling that way. I go to sleep feeling that way. I feel that way the whole time I am awake. No matter what I’m doing or who I’m with, I feel fat and ugly. To somehow comfort myself, I have picked up a terrible habit – stress eating.

I am not hungry but want to eat all the time. Specifically, I want to eat things I know are not healthy or nutritious e.g. french fries. Stress eating is my new hobby. I don’t want just a few bites of something, I want heaps of it. I devours entire large bags of buttered popcorn within minutes. I have gained over 20 pounds in the last few weeks. What’s really amazing is that even though I hate myself for not being thinner and more attractive, I have done nothing to stop propagating that situation into an even bigger problem.

All I do recently is work, lament my lack of accomplishment, eat, play games, read and watch shows. There is no productivity or motivation outside of work. I feel not only physically unattractive but emotionally stunted. In short, I feel like a loser who is ugly inside and out. I can’t seem to talk myself out of it this time.

I am not sure what I have to do to claw my way up and out of my feelings of self hate and failure. I do not know how to achieve a balanced state of mind. I don’t know how to stop rejecting and devaluing myself. I don’t know how to stop feeling unimportant and empty. I just know that I wish I could just rest and not be in pain anymore.

Hopefully all of you out there are in a better place than I am. I wish you all the best and hope you all have learned to love yourself in a way that I have not. Until next time, ciao.

2 thoughts on “Fat and Ugly

  1. Sometimes you need a spark to move in the right direction. I’ve learned to get excited about one thing. “Hey I woke up on time today”. Small things hopefully will add up to larger things. Don’t beat yourself up, your not alone.

  2. Try to drink more water/eat better. Your low energy is probably because of your shit diet. Make a change and you’ll start to feel much better (and your wallet will thank you haha).

    After that we’ll work on accomplishments! Get up and do something. Anything! Then keep doing things. It all adds up! We can’t stay still 🙂

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