Thus far, I have spent most of my life feeling utterly unattractive with brief spurts of self love sprinkled in between. For the last few months all I feel is general self loathing. I feel lonely and empty. I feel unaccomplished and unmotivated. Mostly, I feel fat and ugly.
“Fat and ugly,” is a refrain playing on repeat in my head. I wake up feeling that way. I go to sleep feeling that way. I feel that way the whole time I am awake. No matter what I’m doing or who I’m with, I feel fat and ugly. To somehow comfort myself, I have picked up a terrible habit – stress eating.
I am not hungry but want to eat all the time. Specifically, I want to eat things I know are not healthy or nutritious e.g. french fries. Stress eating is my new hobby. I don’t want just a few bites of something, I want heaps of it. I devours entire large bags of buttered popcorn within minutes. I have gained over 20 pounds in the last few weeks. What’s really amazing is that even though I hate myself for not being thinner and more attractive, I have done nothing to stop propagating that situation into an even bigger problem.
All I do recently is work, lament my lack of accomplishment, eat, play games, read and watch shows. There is no productivity or motivation outside of work. I feel not only physically unattractive but emotionally stunted. In short, I feel like a loser who is ugly inside and out. I can’t seem to talk myself out of it this time.
I am not sure what I have to do to claw my way up and out of my feelings of self hate and failure. I do not know how to achieve a balanced state of mind. I don’t know how to stop rejecting and devaluing myself. I don’t know how to stop feeling unimportant and empty. I just know that I wish I could just rest and not be in pain anymore.
Hopefully all of you out there are in a better place than I am. I wish you all the best and hope you all have learned to love yourself in a way that I have not. Until next time, ciao.