Bone weary, soul tired, depressed – take your pick, I’ve been all of the above for several weeks now. Nothing I did helped. No amount of sleep (or lack thereof) has been enough to energize me recently. I am not motivated at all. I simply wish I could hibernate like a bear forever.
In this season of thanks, I have much to be grateful for. In true pessimist fashion, however, I’ve just been concentrating on the things that make me feel alone, resentful and unloved. Over the bright and loving memories, I’ve been choosing to concentrate on the little negative things that have been effecting me.
I am going to be heading out on a two week long vacation soon. Contrary to popular belief, this is not an average thing the average person in this world can do. Most people are struggling to put food in their bellies, clothes on their backs and roofs over their heads. I’m struggling to make it to work in my designer boots and poncho with my practical and fully functional car.
Put into perspective, my problems are just things I can whine about because I have the luxury to. At the same time, my feelings of misery and loneliness aren’t to be scoffed at either. Money doesn’t buy happiness. Happiness only comes when you decide to be happy no matter your situation.
I think I feel my lack of connections most not on the big holidays but on the weekends where I have nothing to do and no one to go do anything with. On the days I wish I had someone to go share a drink with, I simply sit at home because I’ll be more miserable going out on my own. During times where everyone at the table has someone else to text, I have to pretend to find something on my phone interesting because all the people who would care to reply to my texts are at that table and otherwise occupied.
I feel invisible, disregarded and unimportant on a regular basis. No one goes out of their way to do this to me. I am blessed with a posse of coworkers who make me feel welcome at work. I have a mother who does her utmost for me. I have myself to be grateful for. I just don’t have strong connections other than that. I have been wallowing in the misery of that for a while now. The holiday blues were strong with me. I felt lonelier and lonelier. Everyone else is going out, having parties and experiencing things. I am just another crazy cat lady.
One spectacularly amazing thing this morning got me out of this weeks long funk right after I accepted that I’m going through depression again. It is something that happens every day and yet is rare. The most gorgeous winter morning sunrise took my breath away this morning. The hues of purple and pink and blue and black mixing together and reflecting off the cloud cover left me in awe. God’s creation and its unending beauty really got to me. I realized, this is what I live for, this beauty. This is what I want to do, live my days appreciating the amazing things and the simple things instead of always concentrating on the bad things, the hurtful things, the small things.
To anyone else going through a period of sadness and loneliness, don’t forget – the world is immense and so are you. The beauty in you can and will shine through, just as long as you let it.
Happy Thanksgiving my American friends. Until next time, enjoy that turkey!