recurring nightmare

My life is a nightmare and I can’t get away from it. My past comes back to haunt me in new and more warped ways. Every time I think I’ve taken a step in the right direction, I’m shoved back about 30 steps in the opposite direction. I feel alone and unimportant. I’m just here to be used and discarded, too much of something and too little of something else. I am just there for convenience in most people’s lives and I understand why. I am the absolute classic result of abuse. I am also the best example of a person who fucked up their family’s life multiple times with their dumb decisions. I have made so many idiotic decisions and will likely make more. My only regret is the pain and hurt I have caused others.

I often wish I had never been born. It isn’t because I hate my life or because I wish I was someone else. It is because I am the catalyst that destroyed my family. I left scars that haven’t healed in decades. I can’t do anything to help heal them either because I am the root cause of them.

This is a truth I have to face over and over, again and again. It is my recurring waking nightmare. I cannot undo the past. I cannot undo the hurt. I cannot take away the pain or fix the problems I’ve created. I can only regret and pray for a better future. I can only live through this nightmare many times more.

I cannot control other people’s actions, reactions or choices. All I can do is control my own and hope my actions don’t hurt others.

I wrote the above a few days ago after a traumatizing argument. I was hurt and deeply shaken. I didn’t feel ready to publish it before but I think I am now. This is really hard for me to share but my message is simple: the past is in the past, you can’t change it. All you can do is move forward. Good luck.

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