Being sick is no fun at all. Having the cold, wheezing your lungs out, running a fever, throwing up, being unable to eat what you like, go where you like, do what you like – being sick is the absolute worst. Being chronically ill with a sickness that disables you is one of the most unfortunate fates in existence.
Now imagine that your sickness takes away the ability to smile. You cannot laugh because it hurts. You have no appetite. You want to disappear because you don’t find yourself worthy of existence and can not imagine anyone else would ever find you worthy either. Slowly, that sickness takes over your body until you don’t care about your health at all. You eat everything bad for you and gain fifty pounds. You don’t exercise because that would take too much effort. You stop eating for weeks because nothing tastes good. You go through periods where you hurt those that love you because you become withdrawn and shut them out. You lose the ability to be productive at work. Nothing inspires you. Nothing motivates you. All you want is to either die or be better. You just want to not be This anymore, whatever This may be.
One day it strikes you: you are depressed. You have nothing left to lose because you’ve already lost it all. Your life is a total mess. If you’re lucky, there are a couple of people still hanging around at the fringes of your life, hoping you’ll let them back in. And then there is the void inside you, poisoning your very existence.
Now you have a few choices.
You can wallow in your misery and continue to be depressed and feel like the world is against you. You exist to be tortured. You don’t deserve to be happy. You shouldn’t exist. You want to die.
You can decide to get therapy. But you get a therapist that you are not a good match with. Your needs include medication but you can’t find the right one for you. You feel like you are trying your best but nothing helps. Hollow smiles are the best you can do. You just want to lie in bed and do nothing but you make yourself go through the motions. You have bad days and better days. You don’t really have good days though.
You can decide to get therapy and new hobbies. Your therapist, your medication and all your hobbies are good matches and you start to do better. You can make new friends. You can go out and mingle and travel the world. You can reconnect with people you had shut out. You can take vacations and R&R days. But the tiredness never leaves your body and you just want to be able to quit.
You can do all of the above and work on the one most important thing – yourself. The person you are inside that is still hurting and simply wants to quit. The person that is sick and tired of having to struggle every single day. The person who is just sad that they aren’t happy despite all their efforts otherwise. The person whose spirit is exhausted.
My spirit is exhausted today. It has been for the past few weeks. I have distracted myself in numerous ways but nothing is helping. The hollow in my heart just keeps growing. I didn’t want to acknowledge that there was a problem but everything inside is so out of balance that I had to acknowledge it today. I couldn’t tell you why this is happening exactly. Life, in general, is going okay. But I’m breaking into a million little painful pieces inside and I don’t know why.
If any of y’all have had the same experience and found a way to make it better, please share it with all of us. I could use the help right now.
I won’t give up because every day is another opportunity to be better and do better. I firmly believe in keeping on going through everything. But I could use someone else’s energy right now.
I hope that all of you are better than I am today. Have a good one y’all. Ciao.