Being sick is no fun at all. Having the cold, wheezing your lungs out, running a fever, throwing up, being unable to eat what you like, go where you like, do what you like – being sick is the absolute worst. Being chronically ill with a sickness that disables you is one of the most unfortunate fates in existence.
Now imagine that your sickness takes away the ability to smile. You cannot laugh because it hurts. You have no appetite. You want to disappear because you don’t find yourself worthy of existence and can not imagine anyone else would ever find you worthy either. Slowly, that sickness takes over your body until you don’t care about your health at all. You eat everything bad for you and gain fifty pounds. You don’t exercise because that would take too much effort. You stop eating for weeks because nothing tastes good. You go through periods where you hurt those that love you because you become withdrawn and shut them out. You lose the ability to be productive at work. Nothing inspires you. Nothing motivates you. All you want is to either die or be better. You just want to not be This anymore, whatever This may be.
One day it strikes you: you are depressed. You have nothing left to lose because you’ve already lost it all. Your life is a total mess. If you’re lucky, there are a couple of people still hanging around at the fringes of your life, hoping you’ll let them back in. And then there is the void inside you, poisoning your very existence.
Now you have a few choices.
You can wallow in your misery and continue to be depressed and feel like the world is against you. You exist to be tortured. You don’t deserve to be happy. You shouldn’t exist. You want to die.
You can decide to get therapy. But you get a therapist that you are not a good match with. Your needs include medication but you can’t find the right one for you. You feel like you are trying your best but nothing helps. Hollow smiles are the best you can do. You just want to lie in bed and do nothing but you make yourself go through the motions. You have bad days and better days. You don’t really have good days though.
You can decide to get therapy and new hobbies. You can make new friends. You can go out and mingle and travel the world. You can reconnect with people you had shut out. You can take vacations and R&R days. But the tiredness never leaves your body and you just want to be able to quit.
You can do all of the above and work on the things you need to work on. You can have hobbies and friends and pets and activities and family. And none of it can help. The sickness is sometimes stronger than anything else.
I have been quite depressed recently and none of what has worked before is working now. The medications is just barely holding back suicidal thoughts. I’m working through a fog of apathy that is literally making me dumber. Things that I can normally do easily are a struggle. Getting out of bed and going to work is a struggle. Sleeping soundly is nearly impossible. Figuring out Why I’m like this has been the greatest struggle of all.
To everyone else going through their days in a fog of apathy and the feeling of pointlessness and inadequacy – I hope you find ways to feel better. I hope you find the rays of light that bring you to the end of your tunnels and lead you back to being Alive and full of joy. I’ll keep on trying. Try with me.
Until next time, ciao.