I am not quite sure why, I just know that I am going through the five stages of grief right now. It is almost as if something catastrophic has happened when, in reality, nothing quite so dire has occurred. I haven’t had a death in the family, no friends are in a terrible place in life, and my work is not nearly as stressful as it sometimes has been.
Yet, here I am, grieving. I get angry, I try to bargain, I get angry again. I get sad, feel helpless and hopeless and alone, and then get angry again. I feel like I have lost something I really valued but I am not sure exactly what it is.
It is as though a hole has opened in my chest and vague unpleasant memories flash through my mind once in a while. I have strange, disturbing dreams but also sleep like the dead. I laugh and socialize with my peers but I also stew in bitter resentment at their negative attitudes (as though I am some paragon of virtue myself). I selfishly want others to bring positivity into my life while only putting negativity back out into the world. In short, I am terribly unhappy with myself and with everyone around me.
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” – Mahatma Gandhi
I do not fit that definition of happiness from anywhere at this moment. I am struggling financially though I shouldn’t be. I keep trying to buy happiness as though that is possible. I know that what I think, say and do are not in concert. What I feel is so many contradicting emotions at once that I cannot weed them apart.
Today, I decided to take a step back and re-evaluate all the situations I am struggling with. I have decided I need to discard the toxic negativity I have been carrying around within me these past few months so that there is space for positive thinking to grow. All of these small situations that irk and/or frustrate me are just that – small situations. In the grand scheme, they are meaningless.
The hardest struggle of all for me is biting my tongue. The attitudes of some people I regularly interact with are bringing me down. I have sometimes encouraged this so I am not free of blame. However, I am just tired of the pettiness and gossiping. I have decided whenever this begins, I will either walk away or change the topic of conversation. I am not going to be an instigator any longer. The only person my saltiness hurts is myself.
I have not wanted to acknowledge these truths about myself or about the people around me. I like them all too much to want to be irritated or put off by them. The truth is that I am both irritated and put off right now, so I have to just accept that and move on. I have to get over it. Confronting those people or having a crucial conversation with them will not change their minds – they are too deeply resentful of the situation at hand. As such, I have decided to extricate myself from the quagmire of hostility and move forward towards something better.
I am still grieving, maybe because I have outgrown more people I care about. I am still hurting and probably will take some time to normalize. Either way, grief can only be dealt with by feeling it, accepting it, and then moving on and changing perspective.
I know I cannot be the only one who has had to deal with these unpleasant situations and I hope you know you are not alone when you feel the way you do.
If anyone has any suggestions for how best to reframe my thinking about these problems, please do share.
Happy weekend, everyone.