I have just spent the last hour and a half crying in the bathtub because I wish I didn’t exist. It has been a while since I last felt this way but I think this was creeping up on me for the last several weeks.
There are literally two people in this entire world who really love me and they are my family. They may love me but I am not sure they actually like me.
It hurts me that I don’t have a single other person in my life who loves me. I never have been and likely never will be worthy of anyone’s love. I have never been fortunate or intelligent enough to find my person and I doubt I ever will.
I will never get to grow old with someone and enjoy retirement together. I will never have a home full of children driving me crazy. I won’t ever get to see them go to school and college and get married and have kids. I will never have a friend that views me as the sister they never had and loves me that way. I will never have anyone selflessly do their best to be my rock in the sea of life. I will always be alone and unwanted, unworthy and unloved.
This is not for lack of trying to be the best person I can possibly be. My best is just not good enough – I am barely mediocre in the things I have put a lot of time and effort into improving. I will simply never be good enough at anything that matters to me or to others.
I know that there are a lot of people on this planet who alone and unloved. I feel for every single one of them. For some strange reason, I never thought I would be one of them. Me, with my tons of friends in high school. Me, with my buddies in college. Me, with my work friends. Me, who changed for the better. But still, not ever good enough.
I sometimes wonder what the point is if all I am ever going to be good at is failing. I hate failing and yet I have managed to fail in every way that matters to me.
I don’t even have someone I can say all this to IRL – most wouldn’t care and those who did already have their own demons to deal with. I would simply be adding to their burdens. Being a burden is something I have tried SO hard to avoid but I can’t seem to stop. My high level of uselessness generally ensures that I end up being a burden on someone almost every day.
Literally every lady I have the pleasure of knowing is superior to me in every way. I don’t bring a lot to any table. I understand why I will never be anyone’s first/top pick, even as a friend. It hurts anyways.
Being old, fat and ugly don’t really help my cause either. My inability to move my career forward or pay off my considerable debts aren’t causes for celebration. I am not even creative enough to make up for the rest of my hot mess self.
Facing these truths is literally the most awful thing I have ever done. Acknowledging how little I matter breaks my heart but I guess it is better to see things as they are.
Sorry for ranting here. I don’t have anything positive to say.
I wish I wasn’t such a total waste of space.
Sorry I exist, world. I wish I didn’t.
I guess when I die alone and unremembered, things will be set to rights once again.
Until next time, ciao.