Books and music have always been my escape routes, both in the best of times and the worst of times. Every book I’ve read and every piece of music I have loved has become a small fragment of who I am today. As I’ve aged, my tastes have changed but not by a whole lot. I still love stories of adventure, intrigue, magic, history, strength, sadness and the human condition. My purchase history will reflect this – YA novels are often my go to reads. Some might consider this a sign of immaturity. Maybe it is. Personally, however, I feel like I discover something new in the world each time I enter one of the fantastical worlds created by people who have much better work ethics and imaginations than I do. I can’t seem to finish anything, be it a personal or professional project.
Recently, I was given many opportunities to learn more about myself, my ways of functioning in society, my strengths, my requirements for happiness and my shortfalls. As is typical, all I could focus on, all I can still focus on, is where I find myself lacking and inept. The most frightening part of this all is that I have no dreams and no real desires other than to be loved and valued. This makes me an incomplete person – I used to have dreams and desires but they no longer exist. They were snuffed out by depression, the realities of my life and, mostly, by my lack of effort.
I don’t know what I want from life. I don’t know what direction I want to head in. I know that once I know what I want, I can work towards it – I am privileged enough to be able to do so over time. However, I don’t have any kind of spark or motivation. I know I want to help people but how or where or to what end, I don’t know. In short, I’m lost.
I thought I had found a career and calling I loved but I haven’t. I feel stuck in a rut and under-utilized. I am also just not brilliant enough or dedicated enough to learn something entirely new and excel at it. It’s a frustrating place to be in. I am by nature a tumultuous person. Two sides of me are constantly sparring, constantly tugging me in two different directions. I am hardly ever Sure of anything in life that isn’t a proven fact. I can’t even be sure of myself most days.
How is a person with so little to offer supposed to better themselves when they have no direction they want to go in? How can someone pursue a dream when they no longer have one? I see people working hard and becoming who they are trying to be and I admire them. I see people rising above expectations, even their own, and accomplishing amazing things and I wish I was more like them. All I can see in the mirror, however, is failure galore. Self-doubt, anxiety, apathy, loneliness and emptiness have ravaged me thoroughly.
I find the end results of anything I do dedicate myself to underwhelming. I feel as though I am a constant disappointment to the people I love and whose approval I strive for and never obtain. I feel like no one wants to be around me or have me in their lives – and absolutely nothing hurts more than that. No one chooses Me.
I know my worth is not based on what others think of me, it is what I think of me. I know whatever sate of mind I’m in determines how I feel about my life and how I see things changes that drastically. I know I’m incredibly fortunate in a time of darkness. But I can’t stop wanting more.
I want to have more than what I do. I want a dream to follow and achieve. I want to be the Best at something worthwhile. I want to be someone worth being in my own eyes. I want to be More. I just cant figure out what that more is for me. I don’t know how to fill my own void, how to close the gaping maw of darkness enveloping me at a moment’s notivce, how to simply breathe and be okay.
I’m just sad and tired all the time. I can’t bring myself to care about some very important things. I just can’t.
I want a dream. Maybe the Universe will finally give me the right one for me.