Crying, Trying

Last night, I cried a lot. For the first time in a long time, I just bawled. Usually, I Want to cry but can’t. Yesterday, it just came pouring out of me without warning. I felt really sorry for myself.

Mostly, I felt acute hurt, the kind of hurt that only comes from the people you value, the ones who have all the power in the world to crush your heart. These are the people who you have Given the power to hurt you because you trust them. Inevitably, they betray that trust somehow. Then you are back at square one, feeling shitty and trying to muffle your stupid sobbing.

I seem to have a knack for picking people who have a very different point of view about the world and how they interact with it and others around them. That difference is definitely a key factor in how I end up drawn to those individuals. However, it always results in me feeling like I’m ‘lesser than,’ that I am easily discarded and that I don’t hold value for anyone.

People keep proving to me over and over, no matter how good they are in every other way, that I would not be the person they chose in a room full of people, I would never be their first choice.

I have literally been rocking myself back and forth at work, trying to focus, trying to function and appear normal, trying to heal my self-inflicted wounds of clear understanding. I’ve reached out to friends and just held back the dam of negativity that wants to burst out at them, the world, anything and anyone in my path.

I feel real hate for the first time in a really long time. I hate those that are making me hate myself. I hate that which makes me feel like I’m not good enough. I hate being negative. I hate not being able to escape my own self.

I told someone earlier today that I’m done, I give up. I just can’t bring myself to be in a place of hurt and vulnerability anymore. I don’t feel valued by those who I value. Their suggestion was to just find replacement people eventually.

I just don’t work that way. I’ve never replaced a person in my life. Nor do I think that’s something I will ever be able to do. I’ll just have another hole where a piece of my heart and soul used to be. I’ll just have more tarnished and difficult memories with a side of complicated feelings.

I hate life right now. I hate how helpless I feel in the face of indifference. Indifference is the ultimate form of neglect – it is more hurtful to me than hate or verbal abuse.

I feel everything deeply. I can’t feel any other way. It hurts me when others are unable or unwilling to care for me as deeply as I do for them, when they simply don’t love me enough.

I give up on having a partner, a ride or die, even a companion. I just can’t imagine a scenario where someone picks Me because no one ever has. That hurt is never going to go away. I guess it is just one more thing I’ll have to learn to accept and function with. I hope it’s a lesson I don’t ever forget.

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