Struggling

I’m not okay. I live in dark thoughts most of the time these days. Nothing seems to bring real light to my life. I feel unloved, ignored, forgotten by most people. I know that this pandemic has resulted in a lot of difficulties for everyone. Everyone is having a hard time and coping in their own ways. I feel, though, as if I’m a candle whose frail flame was blown out by the coldest wind in an unrelenting darkness.

I feel really alone. No one reaches out to me anymore. No one wants to know how I’m doing, what I’m doing, if I want to talk with them or do anything with them. Maybe that sounds really self centered but it is purely a reflection of wanting to know all those things about them, wanting to see them and be with them, and hating being isolated/feeling unloved.

My blessings are many. I am grateful for everything I have. However, I feel so empty. I feel directionless.

Whenever I do have the chance to interact with loved ones, there is nothing happening in our personal lives to discuss – days go by in a blur of sameness. The monotony is claustrophobic. Though the world is going through Hell, at the same time it is just purely Boring.

Quarantining, being isolated, being alone emotionally for a prolonged period – all of these experiences are bringing back a past that I am now realizing have given me PTSD. Some times I can work through it and cope better than others. I am having real trouble with it these days.

I’m so, so tired. I’m tired of not being enough for others. I’m tired of not being anyone’s most important person. I’m tired of never being successful in my own eyes. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of never feeling energetic. I am just…tired.

I really, really, really Miss having a life of some sort rather than this uncertain limbo of existence so many of us have been experiencing for the past year or so. I am the sort of person who loves to revel in the moment. Having dinner with a friend at a restaurant, taking a trip with someone, going shopping, just hanging out with people and feeling reenergized and refreshed afterwards were some of my greatest joys in life. Now, none of that can be done without risk and fear being involved.

My real struggle lately is the fact that I love more and more intensely than others do. I’m also more generous with expressing my affection. This is true in all of my relationships – family, friends, acquaintances even.

I am tired of yearning for an equal love and investment that never comes.

Everything hurts me. Every little slight feels like a stab in my back. The inequality and lack of quality in my friendships is really fucking me up right now.

People I thought really valued my existence in their lives…don’t. People I thought enjoyed my presence and company…don’t. People I thought sincerely cared about me either care a lot more for others or take me for granted.

In short, I hold very little import in the lives I no longer impact.

It’s a harsh and hurtful truth.

I don’t matter.

My existence is quite pointless. I have no goals or dreams or value anymore.

I think I just don’t deserve to be loved or cared for anymore. I’m just not good enough

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