Duality

It’s 3 am and I’m having too many self realizations to sleep. There is too much anger and resentment for me to rest. I am full of self righteous indignation. How dare someone treat me so badly my whole life that I am only now realizing that I should really love myself? There is a … Continue reading Duality →

Crying, Trying

Last night, I cried a lot. For the first time in a long time, I just bawled. Usually, I Want to cry but can't. Yesterday, it just came pouring out of me without warning. I felt really sorry for myself. Mostly, I felt acute hurt, the kind of hurt that only comes from the people … Continue reading Crying, Trying →

Memories

In honor of those 2020 took from us: I’m having a different kind of day Realizing creativity is my way You find solace in places I no longer can I need more than a gentle guiding hand Finding passions wherever I go Using all the words at my core I find my voice here once … Continue reading Memories →

Dream

Books and music have always been my escape routes, both in the best of times and the worst of times. Every book I’ve read and every piece of music I have loved has become a small fragment of who I am today. As I’ve aged, my tastes have changed but not by a whole lot. … Continue reading Dream →

Angry and Afraid

This world is a shithole and I'm tired of living in it. It makes me angry that it is partly my fault. It also depresses me and makes me feel helpless that it won't change enough to be worth anything in my lifetime. The atrocities our justice system allows to happen, from the Panic Defense … Continue reading Angry and Afraid →

Crying my eyes out

I have just spent the last hour and a half crying in the bathtub because I wish I didn't exist. It has been a while since I last felt this way but I think this was creeping up on me for the last several weeks. There are literally two people in this entire world who … Continue reading Crying my eyes out →

Examining My Grief

I am not quite sure why, I just know that I am going through the five stages of grief right now. It is almost as if something catastrophic has happened when, in reality, nothing quite so dire has occurred. I haven't had a death in the family, no friends are in a terrible place in … Continue reading Examining My Grief →

Sick and Sad

Being sick is no fun at all. Having the cold, wheezing your lungs out, running a fever, throwing up, being unable to eat what you like, go where you like, do what you like - being sick is the absolute worst. Being chronically ill with a sickness that disables you is one of the most … Continue reading Sick and Sad →

recurring nightmare

My life is a nightmare and I can't get away from it. My past comes back to haunt me in new and more warped ways. Every time I think I've taken a step in the right direction, I'm shoved back about 30 steps in the opposite direction. I feel alone and unimportant. I'm just here … Continue reading recurring nightmare →

Disconnecting, reconnecting

I live far from all of my extended family. As a result, I had lost all touch with most of them and felt very disconnected from them all. After over a decade, I flew halfway around the world just to see them. After what I learned a couple days ago, I'm really glad I was … Continue reading Disconnecting, reconnecting →