Crying my eyes out

I have just spent the last hour and a half crying in the bathtub because I wish I didn't exist. It has been a while since I last felt this way but I think this was creeping up on me for the last several weeks. There are literally two people in this entire world who … Continue reading Crying my eyes out →

Examining My Grief

I am not quite sure why, I just know that I am going through the five stages of grief right now. It is almost as if something catastrophic has happened when, in reality, nothing quite so dire has occurred. I haven't had a death in the family, no friends are in a terrible place in … Continue reading Examining My Grief →

Sick and Sad

Being sick is no fun at all. Having the cold, wheezing your lungs out, running a fever, throwing up, being unable to eat what you like, go where you like, do what you like - being sick is the absolute worst. Being chronically ill with a sickness that disables you is one of the most … Continue reading Sick and Sad →

recurring nightmare

My life is a nightmare and I can't get away from it. My past comes back to haunt me in new and more warped ways. Every time I think I've taken a step in the right direction, I'm shoved back about 30 steps in the opposite direction. I feel alone and unimportant. I'm just here … Continue reading recurring nightmare →

Disconnecting, reconnecting

I live far from all of my extended family. As a result, I had lost all touch with most of them and felt very disconnected from them all. After over a decade, I flew halfway around the world just to see them. After what I learned a couple days ago, I'm really glad I was … Continue reading Disconnecting, reconnecting →

Soul tired

Bone weary, soul tired, depressed - take your pick, I've been all of the above for several weeks now. Nothing I did helped. No amount of sleep (or lack thereof) has been enough to energize me recently. I am not motivated at all. I simply wish I could hibernate like a bear forever. In this … Continue reading Soul tired →

Ice Breaker

Recently, I have been unmotivated to do anything that requires any kind of effort. I've been spending too much on things I don't need and spending too little time on actually growing myself in any meaningful way. I was given the opportunity to join Toastmasters recently and used it to push myself a tiny step towards … Continue reading Ice Breaker →

Fat and Ugly

Thus far, I have spent most of my life feeling utterly unattractive with brief spurts of self love sprinkled in between. For the last few months all I feel is general self loathing. I feel lonely and empty. I feel unaccomplished and unmotivated. Mostly, I feel fat and ugly. "Fat and ugly," is a refrain … Continue reading Fat and Ugly →

Boredom is Killing Me

Slowly but surely, boredom is killing me. I am stress eating constantly because I'm bored and getting depressed as a result. I have nothing to do and nothing I want to do, no motivation to do even the most basic things I really need to get done, no energy to keep up with the few … Continue reading Boredom is Killing Me →

Scared to go to Therapy

I realized recently that I am actively avoiding going to therapy. I don't know exactly why I'm doing this but I am. I have a session coming up soon and have been trying to script exactly what I will and won't say to my therapist during that session. Why am I doing this? I have … Continue reading Scared to go to Therapy →