Books and music have always been my escape routes, both in the best of times and the worst of times. Every book I’ve read and every piece of music I have loved has become a small fragment of who I am today. As I’ve aged, my tastes have changed but not by a whole lot. … Continue reading Dream
Category: emotional
Angry and Afraid
This world is a shithole and I'm tired of living in it. It makes me angry that it is partly my fault. It also depresses me and makes me feel helpless that it won't change enough to be worth anything in my lifetime. The atrocities our justice system allows to happen, from the Panic Defense … Continue reading Angry and Afraid
Crying my eyes out
I have just spent the last hour and a half crying in the bathtub because I wish I didn't exist. It has been a while since I last felt this way but I think this was creeping up on me for the last several weeks. There are literally two people in this entire world who … Continue reading Crying my eyes out
Examining My Grief
I am not quite sure why, I just know that I am going through the five stages of grief right now. It is almost as if something catastrophic has happened when, in reality, nothing quite so dire has occurred. I haven't had a death in the family, no friends are in a terrible place in … Continue reading Examining My Grief
Sick and Sad
Being sick is no fun at all. Having the cold, wheezing your lungs out, running a fever, throwing up, being unable to eat what you like, go where you like, do what you like - being sick is the absolute worst. Being chronically ill with a sickness that disables you is one of the most … Continue reading Sick and Sad
recurring nightmare
My life is a nightmare and I can't get away from it. My past comes back to haunt me in new and more warped ways. Every time I think I've taken a step in the right direction, I'm shoved back about 30 steps in the opposite direction. I feel alone and unimportant. I'm just here … Continue reading recurring nightmare
Disconnecting, reconnecting
I live far from all of my extended family. As a result, I had lost all touch with most of them and felt very disconnected from them all. After over a decade, I flew halfway around the world just to see them. After what I learned a couple days ago, I'm really glad I was … Continue reading Disconnecting, reconnecting
Soul tired
Bone weary, soul tired, depressed - take your pick, I've been all of the above for several weeks now. Nothing I did helped. No amount of sleep (or lack thereof) has been enough to energize me recently. I am not motivated at all. I simply wish I could hibernate like a bear forever. In this … Continue reading Soul tired
Ice Breaker
Recently, I have been unmotivated to do anything that requires any kind of effort. I've been spending too much on things I don't need and spending too little time on actually growing myself in any meaningful way. I was given the opportunity to join Toastmasters recently and used it to push myself a tiny step towards … Continue reading Ice Breaker
Fat and Ugly
Thus far, I have spent most of my life feeling utterly unattractive with brief spurts of self love sprinkled in between. For the last few months all I feel is general self loathing. I feel lonely and empty. I feel unaccomplished and unmotivated. Mostly, I feel fat and ugly. "Fat and ugly," is a refrain … Continue reading Fat and Ugly
