If you have been brave enough to live, you have not only failed repeatedly, you have lost much over and over, and you have been lost in the forest of endless possibilities and rocky paths. Sometimes, you are lost because you don't know where you want to go or who you want to be. Currently, … Continue reading Lost
A bout of depression has struck me once more. I feel incoherent and irrational today. I keep trying to go back in time and make sense of things. I keep on trying to figure it out - where did I make my first mistake and when did I make my last one? Sometimes, I regret … Continue reading Incoherent and Irrational
For the past month, I have cried almost every day. Sometimes it's because I'm failing all my classes in grad school. Sometimes because I'm an inadequate teacher. Sometimes because I'm a sucky daughter and an absentee sister. But mostly because I feel unattractive, undesirable, unneeded and sometimes unwanted. Being an unneccessary existence sucks. Being a … Continue reading Death by crying?
Since my last post, a Lot has changed. I couldn't bring myself to write about anything because I was just too...in shock? Disillusioned? Or maybe just relieved and unable to comprehend that I had dodged a bullet. And then began the crazy circus of life known as Grad school.I was so angry and broken apart … Continue reading Survival of the Fittest
As a child, did you ever have the bright idea of trying to balance on a seesaw with no support and no backing? And you just totter towards whatever direction keeps you standing without a thought for the consequences? Well that is where I am now. Sometimes it seems as though I can fly and … Continue reading Day 60
Another day of insanity flashes by. There has been a lot happening at work. I finally told my boss about getting into Grad school. She took it surprisingly well and even gave me great advice. I'm glad I had the great opportunity to work here for her. I'm also a bit down today. Not sure … Continue reading Day 31
Warning: There is profanity involved in this entry. Some days I realize how very alone I am...in my beliefs, my wants and needs, my likes and dislikes, my tendency for emotional reactions masked by cool calculation...for my wretchedness in being alone, not being enough, not being nearly enough... I find myself 'failing' repeatedly...and re-hashing all … Continue reading Day 20
Last night was pretty good. Nothing is ever perfect, but it was good. Until the depression hit again and I lost all my feel-good vibes. The only cure for that particular problem were my kittens (CG and Tigress). This morning was tiring and disappointing. I helped my sister shop, didn't find what I wanted. Helped … Continue reading Day 13